ON THE WAY LOVE

To: Jou Ito Gio
Sent: 07:12:25 am 03-10-2010
Location: The Temple
I still miss you.I thought I was over you. But a while ago, while in the mass, I found myself praying for you. I have forgotten, and I did not even force myself to. I know we will meet again someday, and I will remember you.

To: Tingting

Sent: 07:58:52 pm 29-09-2010
En route: to the Mountains, my place of Residence

In the PUJ are beautiful people - those types worthy of your second - or even third- look. Opposite me is a handsome, young man who seems to mimic my actions. I drink from my Gatorade bottle, he does the same with his (I don't know yet which brand) water bottle. I type on my phone, he checks his phone. I pass on passenger's fares to the driver, he says "bayad po" with his own fare collection. I would like to stare at him until I find a flaw that will disappoint me enough to never lay eyes on him again but my attempts are futile for fear of being accused of attraction. But he seems nice - like a foreigner who is more Filipino. I am stuck. My heart cannot breathe...

To: Majesty

Sent: 08:26:59 am 02-02-2010
Destination: Place of Labor
Because today I smiled, I made someone happy.Yay! Who would have thought that the curve I always wear on my face could set things straight - even for a stranger? Well, I guess everyone has a "bad hair day" moment and it is a relief to know that somewhere out there, or maybe even just around the bush, there is something or someone to inspire you and bring you out of your misery. :)

Of Stars and Crowns and Smileys

Ask any one of my former students and they would readily interpret Stars and Crowns and Smileys for you. I cannot recall exactly when I started using symbols instead of numbers for quiz scores, but they have been going around for years now. Even youngsters (lower-year-level Ss) aka non-students of mine have learned about the infamous symbols. 


It was mind-boggling at first. The stars, crowns and smileys gained instant fans, and haters as well! Imagine many confused faces not being able to decipher how they fared in the test. Nah, not that my students were uber grade conscious that they only have their scores to watch out for. Maybe, they just found something that fed up their curious nature. They were willing to find out on their own, but that early into the school year (as early as the very first quiz) did not give them enough data to support their hypotheses. :D


It was fun watching them interpret the symbols by keen observation and/or investigation, for I was not one to give away answers as easily as my students pose their questions. Without previous knowledge, it took two to four quizzes on the average before they finally got conclusive results about the symbol-score equation. I can still feel the excitement and the satisfaction associated with finally getting it right: star for perfect 10, a smiley with a crown for committing half-a-mistake(?) and a smiley for committing one, big mistake. 


You might be wondering how I arrived at those equivalents. You might even be tempted to ask, just like most of my students, as to why only the first three scores have their corresponding symbols. It may be not-so-easy to believe, but I also do not know. Interpretations came in later, and only when I have finished checking more than a few papers that I was able to establish such equivalents.


This has raised a lot of queries as time went by. Aside from what were mentioned already, the symbol set also initiated arguments, pleas (as in requests for other scores to be given corresponding symbols) and even paved the way for memorable anecdotes and quotable quotations. Below are some of them, and maybe, if my students could read this, they surely have some sharing based on their own encounter with the symbols.


SCENE 1

Student: Teacher, I want a star.
Me: Why, are you perfect?
Student: No, I have a 0.5 deduction. I forgot a unit in one of my final answers.
Me: Hmm, a 9.5 then.
Student: Yes, 'Cher. Bakit prince lang? Konting mali lang naman eh.
Me: That is why. A prince is almost perfect. But he's human. And humans are never perfect.


SCENE 2 (slightly edited)

Student: Teacher, I hate this! I always get a smiley with a crown. Why can't I get a star?
Me: Study harder. Reach for the stars.
Student: Haynaku Teacher! I do not want to see smileys anymore!
(Next quiz, student gets 9.5/10, another smiley with a crown...)
Student: Teacher, why is there a bag drawn on my paper? What is my score?
Me: I hid the smiley in the bag. You said you don't want to see smileys anymore.
Student: **frowns.faints.goes wild.the classroom erupts** 


There are other stories. But I have committed them deep into memory that I cannot get them out to be part of this post. Haha! (escuses :P). But yes, maybe the youngbloods can help. Though there were clamors on adding more symbols to cater to all the other scores, or on using symbol set for other graded requirements where students can easily get high scores, the set symbol remained exclusively for official quizzes. Limited chances, yes, but I saw how my students determined to reach for the stars and excitedly happy upon getting the reward, how disappointed they were for every smiley with a crown, and how the simple smiley encouraged them to do better next time.


One day, on PTC, a mother approached me and told about her daughter's experience with prince. I thought I was going to be scolded/reprimanded (not that parents do). But no, we just had loud-out-laughter instead. The mom told me how inspired her daughter was...how her daughter is working so hard to get a star. Haay! Who would have thought that the lowly symbols could spark up such interest eh? ;-)


Long live stars...lead us to our dreams!
Long live princes...remind us to be accepting of our imperfections!
Long live smileys...we know we can always do much better next time! 

BREAKTIME, THINKTIME ;)

HIDDEN BEAUTY: Summer 2010. Anawangin Cove

Warning: Do not be deceived.

Fifth of September 2010

I know it is because of caffeine, or of someone who might be thinking about me, that I was not able to sleep well last night. Not that it was any different from my regular nights - my beloved work has been rewarding me with an average of 4 hours of daily sleep since I was employed (I am counting ten years now). In addition, chicken cock-a-doodle-doed like crazy and the neighborhood was up and about so early. I was conscious of my own breathing, my mind was restless, light rays incident on my eyes brought so much pain, my throat was dry and itchy and my nose throbbed - oh! Whoever could sleep through all these might really have the Avatar's focusing power - when the arrow tattoo on his head would shine and his eyes would turn ghoul-like bright.


I am in the last leg of my vacation-in-disguise and I can say I am getting used to it. This recuperating period slash official leave of absence slash break has gone deep enough into my system that I am finding it hard to focus on things I would like to do to prepare for my comeback. Right now, the only thing that catches my attention to get serious is the fvooh fvooh sound in my right ear (which is back from the leave it took when I was positive with steroids). This, which maybe staying for good until eternity, might be my cross according to Fr. Necralgia, as even Doc Norman could not explain what it is. (I have undergone a series of hearing tests already and all turned out normal, even the scans cannot identify any reason for such, or any evidence that would support my personally-observed fvooh fvooh sound). Whew!

Yesterday was a blast; it was very special. I had my scheduled visit to Doc Norman who I am growing fond of every time. He's such a sweet uncle. My bestfriend visited, accompanied and chatted with me like we never saw each other for a long, long time. Just imagine how it is to miss someone for days - someone you have grown accustomed to be with almost everyday of your life. We attended mass, dined, enjoyed each others' company, splurged on coffee (not our normal selves for we always think of how much a cup of coffee can feed a hungry soul) - all thanks to Him for all the provisions.

I had my nose cleaned (literally vacuumed), but then again, clearance will only be given next week so I cannot be in school yet no matter how well and ready I am. I have missed a lot already and will be missing some more. Practice time? Getting ready for the big move? Uh-oh! I actually tried pulling some strings but to no avail. :((

I listed down wishes and dreams last night. I remember how our Social Graces teacher back in college made us write a hundred wishes that we would like to have/make happen within the next five years. It was tasking, believe me. I even had at least five numbers there wishing to bring back dead-but-oh-so-missed kins to life just to complete the C. But, though I lost the list to Ondoy last year, I am pretty sure most of it have been realized already. Besides, more than 5 years have passed. Thank you, Maj, again for the answered wishes, prayers and dreams. I have a new list now and I hope that the items would come by faster this time. ;)

I told my wall I miss the stolen shots. Yes, I admit I was so hurt when all that I hold dear (in the aspect of my personal wealth which is not necessarily monetary) were easily taken away. But I do not expect a miracle to come to my rescue and bring back what was stolen. Firstly, the data were corruptible and secondly, the Lord would want me to hope for better things to come, to appreciate His creations once again and to be in sync with nature once more. I strong in my faith that He would always want to make me involved and active and motivated and inspired. Ondoy's wrath and Scratcher's misbehavior have taught me so well to let go. I have learned my lesson, I have faced my fears, I have overcome very difficult challenges - all, with Him by my side. I was made stronger. I may not have fully recovered by now but I am sure that I am better than the last time when I dared asked Him why. I never imagined ever questioning Him, but oh well, I am just human, and sometimes, I lose control. So help me always, God, increase my faith.

Dr. Did More Than Little

"You are very welcome. I'll continue of to take care of you. See you Saturday"~ Dr. Mendoza

So sweet, isn't it?

It has been a week since I underwent my first ever, most invasive medical procedure, under the caring hands of my surgeon slash ENT slash doctor slash TMC partner, Doc Norman. It was three weeks ago when we first met. Over twenty days have passed and, aside from the developments that I have noticed after the surgery, I have slowly changed my perception of doctors. All because of him.

Yes, they are supposed to be caring. Yes, they are supposed to treat you well. But one major reason why i abhorred hospitals and medicines and medical exams was the experiences I had with doctors of the past. I have been misdiagnosed, was given the wrong dosage, was not examined enough, was not examined properly and the common doctor-observation-on-record-is-what-you-tell-them case. Since then, I self-medicated (no harm because I only do water therapy) and I sometimes consulted trusted internet sites for medical advice.

It was such a blessing therefore when I found a trustworthy doctor when I needed one the most. My nose has been explored/re-explored, cleaned, suctioned, decongested, treated, operated on as smoothly and as painlessly as possible, as promised by the attending physician. I did not feel any hint of pain even during surgery time. I can say, I was pampered.

Doc Norman has been there all the way - from checking my vital signs to helping me decide for the surgery and even to help me deal with crocky medical card holder. His gentle ways and his sense of humor make him a cheerful person. And cheerful persons are sweet, caring and sensible :)

May more and more doctors be like him. May more and more gentle and caring doctors build partnerships with the host family. May more and more doctors be sweet, caring and sensible.

I thank you!

RESIGNATION

Fifth of August Year Twenty Ten

Sober's Place

What is happening? I have been through survival mode of living and I am feeling that the burden gets heavier and heavier everyday. I am like a walking zombie. Even this time I am spending with you is ill-gotten. What have I been doing to myself, thy Temple? I have been so unkind, and unjust, I am so sorry. Even the consequences of my ill-actions - I have failed to heed.

With almost no more to give, I wonder how I manage to survive the increasingly demanding cycle that life is. I know that I am doomed as I sometimes (more frequently these past few days) find myself lost in thought and more careless of what might happen.

Yes, I might be having early signs of deterioration. I might be old but I am too young for such cases of Alzheimer's disease, dementia or amnesia.

I am not hoping for this year to be the best. I just hope to get over the last leg of my soon-to-be only formal experience of being employed. I love kids. I love being with them. I love answering and asking questions. I love exchanging ideas with people, especially young ones. But lately, the job that's supposed to be the perfect venue for all the love to perpetuate has been numbing off, little by little, some love lost day by day.

I lose enthusiasm and the energy to keep reaching out and doing my best. The demand is so overwhelming that only a little amount of supply remains.

Initially I thought that I was giving up. Like I wasn't up for the challenge anymore. So far I have been with 90% complaints and only 10% compliments. Next thought: I am a failure. But looking at it through a more recent angle, I realized, the feeling has gone from surrender to acceptance. Maybe, I am just not equipped enough anymore...how could I give what I do not have?

I rest my case for now. Maybe a diversion could help...maybe not! So help me, God.

A Fresh New Start

Fresh. New. Start.

I believe it was not for no reason that my first ever (grandest-so-far) medical procedure on the day of my birthday. Since the start of it all, all signs have been pointing towards it. Everything went smoothly as in following a step-by-step procedure. I went through symptoms, diagnosis, medications, tests, re-tests, check-ups and finally, septoplasty and FESS (Functional Endoscopic Sinus Surgery).

Finally deciding on the surgery was kind of weird for the following reasons: (1) I did not feel sick (except when the first bout of symptoms occurred); (2) I am not a medical fanatic (meaning I do not normally check with doctors when i am sick, i do not take medicine, in any form, to cure any illness - i go for water therapy); (3) i have not been sickly (and so the diagnosis that i have chronic sinusitis seemed inconclusive, at first, that is). Even my bestfriend found it hard to believe that she has accompanied me to the hospital when I admitted myself in. Whew!

The past two-three weeks have been filled with too much thinking, quick decision-making, extensive discussions with my doctor and in-depth research into the matter - pros and cons, preparations, aftermath, expectations and the like. Highs and lows included hiding truthful information from loved ones, dealing with separation anxieties from work and daily life, bouts of insomnia both due to the steroids i was required to take and the endless whys and hows and what ifs related to the big event.

Preparation was hurdle enough. To survive, I led myself to believe that things are meant to happen as they are, and there's nothing else I can do except to get excited that I am somehow participating in a scientific exploit - adding to it the adventure of being the recipient of one of science's greatest wonder. So I calmed myself down, gave in to the flow, got excited, and readied myself for the big show. And so it happened...

The last thing I remembered was the anesthesiologist's dreamy voice bidding me goodnight. The next time I opened my eyes was when I was awakened from a dream, seemingly lost and confused. Recovering from anesthesia was the most painful part. I hated the dreamy feeling, the heaviness in my eyes and the nauseous twirl every time i attempt to move. I prayed. I knew then that I have been through the hardest. I just have to get back to life. And so I did.

Now, three days after, I am trying to get back to normal. I am not bruised and blue, thanks to the advances in medical science. I still have some remnant swelling in the face, nose is still congested though bleeding has gone minimal (thanks, God!), ear is plagued with fvooing sound and I am afraid that i might have lost my sense of smell...but as it is, i'm just on my third day so I am waiting...hoping that i would be better than normal at the end of the recovery period.

Today, I tried going back in tune...

I went to mass (through TV though),
I took a bath (welcomed the cold, refreshing water),
I watched TV (as normal as Sunday viewing can get),
I played plants versus zombies (attempting a closer-to-normal-lifestyle),
I ate junkfood (food has been almost tasteless these days),
I wrote a journal entry (this is a proof),
I read through my wall messages (in an attempt to get back to the birthday that was missed),
I communicated with friends,
I slept (so much for resting, my body cannot resist it),
I lived (one day more).

As today ends, I thank the Lord for all the love and care I have been pampered with in the recent past. I believe I am one lucky being, not because I deserve being one, but because He decided that I am one.

(signing off...to a fresh new start!)

RED DAY!

BYAHENG TREN (Again!)

En Route to LRT J. Ruiz Station One Class Day

An old woman in red sat beside me. Red pants, red lipstick, red stiletto sandals and red nail polish. Whaat? Sure enough, she caught my attention! Awesome! It amazes me that such (st)age would still provide for chances to be glamorous. Mind you, the red toenails were designed with white five-pointed stars! Super!

I have heard a lot about aging gracefully, life begins at 40, anti-aging creams, calcium-loaded milk against osteoporosis, health insurance, pension for when you get old and cannot work anymore, reaching the 30s and being out of the calendar count. I have been to homes for the aged. I have lived with grandparents, though for a short time. I have been taunted about living alone come my own old age stage. I have been warned, scared, cautioned, somehow prepared young as I was back then, even prayed for. Haha! Why are people so keen about a natural occurrence such as being old?

The Lady in Red somehow fast-forwarded my thoughts from Little Red Riding Hood to Red, ripe old age. Ugh! I may not have been paying attention (or care) but I was suddenly aware that I, too, was simply aging, and that I have actually been acting decepticon over my own age. I will always be 25 years old...I stopped counting at 25 and it sometimes gives me a 'hard' time stating my age for official business. But truth cannot be denied: I have grown in all directions, I now have multi-colored hair (black, brown and white), the gap between my current students and I have been increasing through the years, I become forgetful sometimes...and the list just goes on. So, am I in any way preparing for the beginning of a new life? Surely, but not exactly. I still have a decade to spend. ;)

My Latest

It's been so long since i last wrote.

Cliche. For the past years, this has been the introductory statement to the (very few) journals I was able to keep on record. I have been too involved in the daily grind that even the periodic surge of inspiration and creative writing juices have been unable to make me...write.

I have been to many places...been to different and unique experiences...been living with irregular statuses...been under various stresses...been suffering through a lot of losses (in many kinds)...I almost died, but I survived.

Right now, I am still trying to heal wounds from the past.

Right now, I am struggling to get back on track.

Right now, I am overcoming the loss of those close to my heart.

Right now, I keep going just to keep on living.

Right now, I am just grateful to be alive.


( will be back more often soon)

KARIMLAN at PAG-ASA

Pinilit kong matulog sa pag-aakalang magigising ako at malalaman kong panaginip lang pala ang lahat. NGunit ako ay bigo. Kahit ang panandaliang pag-idlip ay di mapagbigya ng isipan kong pagod, ng damdamin kong hapis at malapit nang maubusan ng pakiramdam, at ng pusong naghihingalo at kinakapos na ng pag-asa.

May mga tanong na kahit di pa man namumutawi sa mg labi ay malinaw nang kasagutan. Marahil, sadyang ganun ang buhay. Mag-umalpas ka man sa pagtutol at magpilit ka mang lumikha ng sariling landas na maitututring mong akma sa iyo, di pa rin basta nananaig ang sariling kagustuhan.

May tadhanang nakalaan at tayo'y wala nang magagawa kundi sumunod, magpaubaya, makibagay at matutong tumanggap ng mga pagsubok na dala ng bawat bukas. Kung bakit ganun at kung para sa anong dahilan ay di na sakop at abot ng kakayahan ng aking pang-unawa. Tayo ay mga abang nilalang lamag na para bagang pinaparusahan. Tanging bulag na pagtalima ang kailangan.

Ang mga nagmamatyag, matandain at maabilidad ang madalas na nagwawagi. Ang mahihina ang loob ay di nagtatagal. Ang di bumubigay ay ginagantimpalaan. Ang patuloy na umaasa ay binibigyan ng sapat na lakas upang patuloy na makipaglaban. Ang di bumibitaw sa paniniwala ay pinagpapala. 

(akda habang gulat at tulala sa katatapos na insidente ng nakawan sa bahay...bakit ganun? ako uli? bakit?)

Mr. Scratcher Strikes Again

I was stunned.

I did not actually know he was coming. Oh, maybe I knew because i readied myself by looking at my watch ahead of time so that the encounter will be as fast as the breeze. By golly wow, i was wrong! (Seemingly, i still do not have a good grasp of the events - i would like to believe now that being hypnotized causes amnesia, at least partially.)


It happened so fast that a shortened period in school would not have won over. I was conscious. I was not asleep. I was responding like how a normal me would have responded to queries sent - in fact, i was even reactive. Gad! maybe my subconscious was really doing its part. I only found out that I was stunned when I woke up (which is weird since waking up is only for people who are asleep, which I was not).


I do not want to go into the details of the "happening" as i have told and re-told the story for a lot of times already and I am getting exhausted after every time. And every time that I tell, I sure as certain would have a (terrible) headache, then the heartache, then the eyeache. Maybe it will take a long time for me to figure out the answers to the many questions arising from the event. Maybe, if everything happens for a reason is true, it will take a long time for me to figure out why and what for.

One thing you have to know though is to hold on to not talking to strangers as one lifelong lesson. But is never easy. I was told to lie low - stop being so friendly. On the next working day, when I was walking towards the bus stop with a friend, an old man approached me to ask directions. I paused, looked at him eye to eye and told him, in detail, how and where to go to the desired location. Oh boy! I could still remember how fierce the glare of my friend's eyes was at that time. See? One cannot just easily stop the world from taking it's normal, usual turn!


To date, I have been victimized by Mr. Scratchers twice (the very first assault was with a team of two, a knife and an involuntary, shock-induced shaking; the latest was the harmless, mind-paralyzing subtle attack). In total, I have had personal experiences with dugo-dugo gang, laglag-barya gang, physical assault, harassment, hypnotism (which I still cannot fully believe up until now), exhibitionist, even akyat-bahay gang.


I lost a lot.
I gave up a lot.
I cried a lot.


I should have been scared to the bones, but oftentimes I find myself braving the dark alley towards home - alone, unarmed and relying only on the moonlight to guide my path.


I should have been numb, traumatized by the many instances of bad luck, must have learned my lesson well but I cannot keep myself from riding my usual modes of transportation, from treading the same way to and from home, from  being out in the open, from being exposed to the bad elements of the outside world. Life must go on. Yes, the world may have been so opportunistic of naive, nice-looking (ahem) individuals like me, but what is life without being part of the world? I still remember Mama consoling me with: never mind, those are just things, life is just really so hard these days that other people resort to bad moves...what else can you say?


I have never been mad at them. I am even grateful for them for making my life richer by experience. Not that I desired those things to happen to me, but looking back, each instance challenged me well enough that I have learned lessons on letting go and being grateful for what remains. As the song goes, sometimes life clips your wings while you are in mid-air. One just needs to be hopeful and courageous to always start anew (ie after the gangs leave you broke :) New things always come anyway.


P.S. It just occurred to me, maybe there is a superhero/superpower sleeping inside me. Remember those movies when superheroes realize their powers when they have been beaten, or almost scraped out of life? I do not think I would want to end up being hold-up princess (i ain't big enough to be a queen :D) for no reason. ;-D


Shalom!

BUMP in the HEAD.

UGH!


Technically speaking, it is the meeting of a metallic, hardly malleable material and the external portion of one's cranium. What a perfect match!


That is what one gets when she has been going happy-go-lucky too much, carelessly through life's days, nonchalantly minding its call for candor and vitality.


A bump in the head is like a wake-up call. It forces you to forget the current, or the recent past, gets you confused with the present and eventually leads you to start anew for the future.


Like a UFO landing on your precious, landing-pad-like forehead, a bump in the head causes such a big impact that one starts, though struggling, to move with the realities that she has been elusive to when she began living in her dreams and got addicted to it in no time. The tremor would last long - the searing pain at the time of impact and shortly thereafter is somehow immortalized by some sort of unevenness and discoloration.


Having made its mark, the bump in the head serves as a reminder for one to accept the ugly truth, move on even with a mindless, broken heart and eventually lead a life devoid of assumptions, and pretensions.