BREAKTIME, THINKTIME ;)

HIDDEN BEAUTY: Summer 2010. Anawangin Cove

Warning: Do not be deceived.

Fifth of September 2010

I know it is because of caffeine, or of someone who might be thinking about me, that I was not able to sleep well last night. Not that it was any different from my regular nights - my beloved work has been rewarding me with an average of 4 hours of daily sleep since I was employed (I am counting ten years now). In addition, chicken cock-a-doodle-doed like crazy and the neighborhood was up and about so early. I was conscious of my own breathing, my mind was restless, light rays incident on my eyes brought so much pain, my throat was dry and itchy and my nose throbbed - oh! Whoever could sleep through all these might really have the Avatar's focusing power - when the arrow tattoo on his head would shine and his eyes would turn ghoul-like bright.


I am in the last leg of my vacation-in-disguise and I can say I am getting used to it. This recuperating period slash official leave of absence slash break has gone deep enough into my system that I am finding it hard to focus on things I would like to do to prepare for my comeback. Right now, the only thing that catches my attention to get serious is the fvooh fvooh sound in my right ear (which is back from the leave it took when I was positive with steroids). This, which maybe staying for good until eternity, might be my cross according to Fr. Necralgia, as even Doc Norman could not explain what it is. (I have undergone a series of hearing tests already and all turned out normal, even the scans cannot identify any reason for such, or any evidence that would support my personally-observed fvooh fvooh sound). Whew!

Yesterday was a blast; it was very special. I had my scheduled visit to Doc Norman who I am growing fond of every time. He's such a sweet uncle. My bestfriend visited, accompanied and chatted with me like we never saw each other for a long, long time. Just imagine how it is to miss someone for days - someone you have grown accustomed to be with almost everyday of your life. We attended mass, dined, enjoyed each others' company, splurged on coffee (not our normal selves for we always think of how much a cup of coffee can feed a hungry soul) - all thanks to Him for all the provisions.

I had my nose cleaned (literally vacuumed), but then again, clearance will only be given next week so I cannot be in school yet no matter how well and ready I am. I have missed a lot already and will be missing some more. Practice time? Getting ready for the big move? Uh-oh! I actually tried pulling some strings but to no avail. :((

I listed down wishes and dreams last night. I remember how our Social Graces teacher back in college made us write a hundred wishes that we would like to have/make happen within the next five years. It was tasking, believe me. I even had at least five numbers there wishing to bring back dead-but-oh-so-missed kins to life just to complete the C. But, though I lost the list to Ondoy last year, I am pretty sure most of it have been realized already. Besides, more than 5 years have passed. Thank you, Maj, again for the answered wishes, prayers and dreams. I have a new list now and I hope that the items would come by faster this time. ;)

I told my wall I miss the stolen shots. Yes, I admit I was so hurt when all that I hold dear (in the aspect of my personal wealth which is not necessarily monetary) were easily taken away. But I do not expect a miracle to come to my rescue and bring back what was stolen. Firstly, the data were corruptible and secondly, the Lord would want me to hope for better things to come, to appreciate His creations once again and to be in sync with nature once more. I strong in my faith that He would always want to make me involved and active and motivated and inspired. Ondoy's wrath and Scratcher's misbehavior have taught me so well to let go. I have learned my lesson, I have faced my fears, I have overcome very difficult challenges - all, with Him by my side. I was made stronger. I may not have fully recovered by now but I am sure that I am better than the last time when I dared asked Him why. I never imagined ever questioning Him, but oh well, I am just human, and sometimes, I lose control. So help me always, God, increase my faith.

Dr. Did More Than Little

"You are very welcome. I'll continue of to take care of you. See you Saturday"~ Dr. Mendoza

So sweet, isn't it?

It has been a week since I underwent my first ever, most invasive medical procedure, under the caring hands of my surgeon slash ENT slash doctor slash TMC partner, Doc Norman. It was three weeks ago when we first met. Over twenty days have passed and, aside from the developments that I have noticed after the surgery, I have slowly changed my perception of doctors. All because of him.

Yes, they are supposed to be caring. Yes, they are supposed to treat you well. But one major reason why i abhorred hospitals and medicines and medical exams was the experiences I had with doctors of the past. I have been misdiagnosed, was given the wrong dosage, was not examined enough, was not examined properly and the common doctor-observation-on-record-is-what-you-tell-them case. Since then, I self-medicated (no harm because I only do water therapy) and I sometimes consulted trusted internet sites for medical advice.

It was such a blessing therefore when I found a trustworthy doctor when I needed one the most. My nose has been explored/re-explored, cleaned, suctioned, decongested, treated, operated on as smoothly and as painlessly as possible, as promised by the attending physician. I did not feel any hint of pain even during surgery time. I can say, I was pampered.

Doc Norman has been there all the way - from checking my vital signs to helping me decide for the surgery and even to help me deal with crocky medical card holder. His gentle ways and his sense of humor make him a cheerful person. And cheerful persons are sweet, caring and sensible :)

May more and more doctors be like him. May more and more gentle and caring doctors build partnerships with the host family. May more and more doctors be sweet, caring and sensible.

I thank you!

RESIGNATION

Fifth of August Year Twenty Ten

Sober's Place

What is happening? I have been through survival mode of living and I am feeling that the burden gets heavier and heavier everyday. I am like a walking zombie. Even this time I am spending with you is ill-gotten. What have I been doing to myself, thy Temple? I have been so unkind, and unjust, I am so sorry. Even the consequences of my ill-actions - I have failed to heed.

With almost no more to give, I wonder how I manage to survive the increasingly demanding cycle that life is. I know that I am doomed as I sometimes (more frequently these past few days) find myself lost in thought and more careless of what might happen.

Yes, I might be having early signs of deterioration. I might be old but I am too young for such cases of Alzheimer's disease, dementia or amnesia.

I am not hoping for this year to be the best. I just hope to get over the last leg of my soon-to-be only formal experience of being employed. I love kids. I love being with them. I love answering and asking questions. I love exchanging ideas with people, especially young ones. But lately, the job that's supposed to be the perfect venue for all the love to perpetuate has been numbing off, little by little, some love lost day by day.

I lose enthusiasm and the energy to keep reaching out and doing my best. The demand is so overwhelming that only a little amount of supply remains.

Initially I thought that I was giving up. Like I wasn't up for the challenge anymore. So far I have been with 90% complaints and only 10% compliments. Next thought: I am a failure. But looking at it through a more recent angle, I realized, the feeling has gone from surrender to acceptance. Maybe, I am just not equipped enough anymore...how could I give what I do not have?

I rest my case for now. Maybe a diversion could help...maybe not! So help me, God.