LUMIèRE

Front seat. Cool breeze from the car's airconditioning unit. Mellow music bringing flashes of the younger, lighter-burdened former life. Moving slowly through heavy traffic, giddy after every landmark crossed over. The destination is still so far but at least the flow is forward. Much like trying to leave the not-so-good-recent-past behind. More of getting over memories of unfortunate events. 

Finally, a clear path lay ahead. I suddenly feel the space around me. (how do you feel something that is not there? perhaps emptiness transcends beyond the senses huh?) Ahh, now I have more room to be at ease. I have a clear, wide-angled view of the future, err, of the road ahead, of where I am supposed to go, of where I should be. What a perfect moment to chillax!

But who am I fooling? It is obviously not the right time yet. The bad memory is still fresh in the trash bin of my mind...cool breeze becomes too cold for comfort...punk music whose lyrics almost sounded indecipherable messed up the reflective mood...bleak...gloomy...then there was light!

Lamp post by the Bay
Roxas Boulevard, Malate, Manila 2009

It is amazing to witness the lighting up of streetlights at dusk*. They seem insignificant at first, with the sun still above the horizon. But they are the epitome of preparedness. For when dark time comes, they know they will matter. They are like shining, shimmering stars lighting up the whole, dark world. Like a glimmer of hope, a ray of sunshine after a devastating thunderstorm - the saving grace no one has the right to but so deserved, the buoyancy when you are densest, a clear road on a traffic-laden trip, that which is supposed to be at the end of the tunnel.

God listens after all.

Maybe it is not too much to ask.

And, as always, He never lets us down.

Maybe the brighter tomorrow that is so desperately sought after is not years, but just moments away.

Much  like the crazy idea of streetlights turning on before darkness consumes the earth.

He knows what we need before we even ask. He knows us well to rescue us even before we sense danger.

Sunshine. Lightning. A smile. A heartbeat. A much-needed spark. A very valuable resource.

No need to shout to be taken out of the dark; He knows we do not want to be there. 

*QUESTION:
How do streetlights turn on automaticaly at night?

ANSWER:
On the Flintstones, a small bird sits inside the light and turns it on every night before he goes to bed.
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THE PAIN OF THE GAME

SURRENDER
Batulao, 2001

When you painfully lose, do you  stay and try again, or quit and start an entirely new game? 

When you are so stressed out, is it alright to give up? 

I am in great pain physically and emotionally. Though I can still joke around, wander about while laughing out loud and genuinely offer smile to comfort others, I am haunted by the saddening thoughts residing at the back of my mind and the negativities pulling me deep into the bottom of my heart. I cannot even help myself from looking back (literally and figuratively) even if my stiff neck and frozen shoulder regretfully remind me so. I guess I am not yet over my dead body. Yes, I died. I died my way to a better post due to the hulabaloos from last month. 

Now on my way to resurrection, I am confronted by the same can't-wake-up-from nightmares. No matter how blame-worthy the rest of the world is, I always have to take the stand and express the conviction of a blame-neutral person and work towards the greater good (at whose advantage, I do not specifically know). It does not matter even if I have to be responsible for something beyond my grasp. It would not count even if I did my best. It still will not be good enough.

Am I there yet? Take a break? Break down? 

Ahh...but I know I cannot give up. For someone like me, there is just no sense stopping. I may break down, I may burst out (into tears), I may go deep down, sometimes even under all the weight of the burden, but I always have to stand up. I was designed (and designated) to be stronger than steel. I always have to carry on. My only options are to move on, or go up, up and away. Whichever I choose, I know that I will always be at the losing end. But history proves I have been emerging as a winner even if I may have whined along the way. I have been a warrior despite being weak. I have been a fighter inspite of several tempting instances to flee.

Maybe that is just it. With life's constant ups and downs, I would need more than an accepting heart. My frail body needs to be stronger. My thoughts have to be more than powerful to overcome anxieties, uncertainties and other complications. My most powerful weapon would be the power of mind, and all I can depend on is the miracle brought about by faith, and trust in the Highest. 

I have limited tools.

But I will get by because this is my game.

So I will keep running to infinity and beyond,

 and when laid to rest after all my battles, 

to my own happily ever after.

Contributor:

The Biggest Loser Who Never Ceases Hoping