THE PAIN OF THE GAME

SURRENDER
Batulao, 2001

When you painfully lose, do you  stay and try again, or quit and start an entirely new game? 

When you are so stressed out, is it alright to give up? 

I am in great pain physically and emotionally. Though I can still joke around, wander about while laughing out loud and genuinely offer smile to comfort others, I am haunted by the saddening thoughts residing at the back of my mind and the negativities pulling me deep into the bottom of my heart. I cannot even help myself from looking back (literally and figuratively) even if my stiff neck and frozen shoulder regretfully remind me so. I guess I am not yet over my dead body. Yes, I died. I died my way to a better post due to the hulabaloos from last month. 

Now on my way to resurrection, I am confronted by the same can't-wake-up-from nightmares. No matter how blame-worthy the rest of the world is, I always have to take the stand and express the conviction of a blame-neutral person and work towards the greater good (at whose advantage, I do not specifically know). It does not matter even if I have to be responsible for something beyond my grasp. It would not count even if I did my best. It still will not be good enough.

Am I there yet? Take a break? Break down? 

Ahh...but I know I cannot give up. For someone like me, there is just no sense stopping. I may break down, I may burst out (into tears), I may go deep down, sometimes even under all the weight of the burden, but I always have to stand up. I was designed (and designated) to be stronger than steel. I always have to carry on. My only options are to move on, or go up, up and away. Whichever I choose, I know that I will always be at the losing end. But history proves I have been emerging as a winner even if I may have whined along the way. I have been a warrior despite being weak. I have been a fighter inspite of several tempting instances to flee.

Maybe that is just it. With life's constant ups and downs, I would need more than an accepting heart. My frail body needs to be stronger. My thoughts have to be more than powerful to overcome anxieties, uncertainties and other complications. My most powerful weapon would be the power of mind, and all I can depend on is the miracle brought about by faith, and trust in the Highest. 

I have limited tools.

But I will get by because this is my game.

So I will keep running to infinity and beyond,

 and when laid to rest after all my battles, 

to my own happily ever after.

Contributor:

The Biggest Loser Who Never Ceases Hoping