CLOSING TIME

HEAVEN UP THERE?
Subic 2009

You are gone. You went ahead. You left me here. You broke my heart.

Worst, you chose to go when I was farthest from you - 

no goodbyes, no hugs, not even a smile. 

Did you cry? Were you afraid? Did you willingly let go?

Almost half a decade has passed and I still long for that one last moment.

Until now, I cannot muster enough strength to visit you.

I know that you know I have not completely let go. 

I have not even given myself time to mourn. I just simply moved on.

 I still feel you here - the sound of your laughter cheers me up, your words of wisdom,

the plans you thought of for the future you looked forward to - they guide me daily.

It will be difficult to go solo with the missions your selflessness has set.

I can only wish to be half as generous and as compassionate as you...

 In the end, I hope and pray that I'll make you proud, t'is my only way to thank you. 

And when it's my time, I know I will not miss you anymore.

When it's my time, I hope I'll see you there.

Then we can cry, and hug, and smile.

The first quarter of the year has been a witness to many good souls moving on to the next, or the other, side of life. Mysterious as it is, no one had any inkling as to when the time would happen. Learning about one's passsing brought us to a state of shock as we simultaneously felt the great loss and faced, if not accepted, the fact that there is nothing that we can do about it. Nature defeated us again by running its own course. 

Nothing compares to the pain due to the loss of a loved one. Aside from the emptiness felt, we have to move on and live as normally as possible until we reach the end of our own road. It is not a surprise then if others would rather go (with, or ahead) than be left behind. We pretend to be strong until the pretentions become real, we implement changes in our routine...but no mater how we try to go back on track, we know our lives will never be the same.

Our thoughts change. Our points of view either diverge, or converge depending on what we have been believing through our life time. Ironically, the happy memories shared with the dearly departed become stakes piercing the heart, making it bleed more.

Regrets. Longing. Remorse. Sadness. Episodes of crying out loud. Moments of silence. Quiet reflections. A daily companion once shared that, almost always, a person is changed for the better when the end draws near. Everyone suddenly has all the time to smell the flowers. Sadly, it is only then that we realize that flowers dominate the earth - too late to slow down. Oh, but just to see them from afar is sometimes good enough. Some who left never even learned that flowers exist. Worse, some only heard of them and were not given the chance to touch them for real.

Would we ever feel that it is almost time? Though it has been said that we will never, ever, be ready, but if premonitions* are true for all, will we have enough time to make sure we have accomplished our individual mission/s before departing? I am inclined to think that we will have our chance, only, maybe,  most of us would be in so much hurry.

Ah, but I hope we will be granted the time we need. There is no point hurrying to leave if you know that you only have limited chances to give your loved ones the hug and the assuring words that would comfort them till it's their turn. It would be selfish to just leave. In fact (I mean, based on experience) when time draws near, we find it easy to forgive and forget. Arguments do not last long and we become more open in expressing our thoughts and emotions. But why is it that we only learn to really connect at the last hour? Worse, some would keep fighting till the end. So much for pride. Tsk.

Closing time forces us to start thinking about the essence of life. It is only when we realize how valued and valuable our life is, or the life of our dearly departed was, that we are able to accept that the end has come.