THE PAIN OF THE GAME

SURRENDER
Batulao, 2001

When you painfully lose, do you  stay and try again, or quit and start an entirely new game? 

When you are so stressed out, is it alright to give up? 

I am in great pain physically and emotionally. Though I can still joke around, wander about while laughing out loud and genuinely offer smile to comfort others, I am haunted by the saddening thoughts residing at the back of my mind and the negativities pulling me deep into the bottom of my heart. I cannot even help myself from looking back (literally and figuratively) even if my stiff neck and frozen shoulder regretfully remind me so. I guess I am not yet over my dead body. Yes, I died. I died my way to a better post due to the hulabaloos from last month. 

Now on my way to resurrection, I am confronted by the same can't-wake-up-from nightmares. No matter how blame-worthy the rest of the world is, I always have to take the stand and express the conviction of a blame-neutral person and work towards the greater good (at whose advantage, I do not specifically know). It does not matter even if I have to be responsible for something beyond my grasp. It would not count even if I did my best. It still will not be good enough.

Am I there yet? Take a break? Break down? 

Ahh...but I know I cannot give up. For someone like me, there is just no sense stopping. I may break down, I may burst out (into tears), I may go deep down, sometimes even under all the weight of the burden, but I always have to stand up. I was designed (and designated) to be stronger than steel. I always have to carry on. My only options are to move on, or go up, up and away. Whichever I choose, I know that I will always be at the losing end. But history proves I have been emerging as a winner even if I may have whined along the way. I have been a warrior despite being weak. I have been a fighter inspite of several tempting instances to flee.

Maybe that is just it. With life's constant ups and downs, I would need more than an accepting heart. My frail body needs to be stronger. My thoughts have to be more than powerful to overcome anxieties, uncertainties and other complications. My most powerful weapon would be the power of mind, and all I can depend on is the miracle brought about by faith, and trust in the Highest. 

I have limited tools.

But I will get by because this is my game.

So I will keep running to infinity and beyond,

 and when laid to rest after all my battles, 

to my own happily ever after.

Contributor:

The Biggest Loser Who Never Ceases Hoping

IDEAS ROLLING IN THE DEEP

I badly need a mind reader that is capable of recording thoughts and words by simple contact, or transmission through "brain" signals, one that would come in as handy as an iPhone. 

I passed on many chances for immortalizing stories and conversations simply because I was not equipped enough with tools needed to record them for sharing, or safe-keeping. Most of the time, my memory does not serve me right, or does not serve me at all, so I am not able to keep track of all those beautiful ideas springing from tête-à-têtes.

Pauses for reflection aide me in keeping my sanity. I am not a very expressive (also not-so-outgoing) individual but I love thoughts and ideas. I can keep up with reading and could spend the same (sometimes even longer) amount of time  just staring blankly at a wall  allowing my mind to wander and explore various contemplation points. I guess, even when I am asleep, those thoughts keep rolling, tumbling down the deepest convolutions of my brain.

The problem with loving the intangible is that they are not for keeps. Maybe not for me. Even if I can successfully detect those signals (aka information, data, etc. interfering constructively with my brain waves), I can only retain a little percentage of them. After grazing my thought-center, they readily fly away. I consider myself lucky enough if I am able to associate those ideas with concrete, physical reminders - makes it easier to recall, reminisce, or review the concepts resulting to more questions leading to either higher entertainment value or more confrontational analysis.

Have you ever sat down with someone and spent hours just talking about your faith? Have you ever been asked why God did not endow humans with the ability to read minds? Have you ever prompted to weigh your options between becoming an expert or a jack-of-all-trades? Have you ever exchanged text messages just to try to figure out what makes life so unfair, and whether you are a perfectionist or not? Have you ever stood so statue-like that you appeared peaceful and calm on the outside but full of turmoil in the inside because of conflicting views?

Overthinking? Symptoms of lunacy? I don't think so. (please agree, or else I am doomed haha!) I find these quite challenging to deal with but I welcome opportunities like them with open arms. I find these not only amusingly meaningful (who wouldn't?) but self-assuring also. Sometimes, it is when you are confronted with the out-of-ordinary questions that you get to know yourself better.

Conversations with God when thoughts are most honest, and expressions are most spontaneous. Out-of-the-blue, thought-provoking, sometimes self-incriminating* question-and-answer sessions. Clever and creative theories which eventually become inspiration for inventions. Philosophical one- or two-liners which make one exclaim "aha!"** Dialogues with someone which help build your own beliefs in life. These are only a few of those that I want to keep in mind, in categorized boxes, if possible. I would like to be able to retrieve them instantly as well.

So please, if you know where to get one of the above, much-wanted gadget, please pm me. I did a research and this is the closest to it that I have found: An Australian invention that turns your thoughts into words. There is also a mind-reading helmet which enables you to direct your bike through brain signals. A friend shared yet another invention I found really amazing. It is Google's New Glasses.

(c) Google

There. Let us wait for these gadgets to touch home base, and let see if those mind-boggling ideas could still roll in the deep. ;-)

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*tough questions need tough answers = getting your innermost thoughts out in the open
**AHA = Ahh, I see. Hmm, I agree. Aye, you're good! Genius!