MY ONLY HOPE

Almost a year ago, we bade farewell. But it seems that a year hasn't passed at all. I still remember you. Though I may not be able to instantly recall details of the moments we shared, rest assured that they are deep within my system. So here is to commemorate your first year away from what you considered second home, to celebrate  your successful freshman year, and to somehow lead you back to where we first, and last, met and greeted each other. Vous me manquez, Hope!

(The following is an excerpt of a story I told those who wanted to know how it had been with you. I have not been able to give the speech before we parted ways . I hope this somehow makes up for it. ;-)

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Which class is...?

Loud. Rowdy. Generally late in submitting requirements. Insolent (1). Audacious. Unsympathetic. Defiant. Very Challenging.

Yes. If you have met them in person, even for once in your life, those clues are more than enough for you to make a very good guess. You might be ecstatic if you will be able to guess it right. But I will be sad. Being able to correctly identify the class using those clues only means that they are very effective in making themselves famous...though not in a good way.

HOPE.

Heaven On Planet Earth. (2)

Again...Again...

HOPE.

Help. Oh Please Explain...(3)

Perhaps my greatest achievement as a mother duck for the school year was living and dealing with once-tagged (almost) hopeless Hope, and successfully staying alive and kicking up until graduation time.

I have never been as busy as a bee in my entire advising experience. My ten-minute homeroom period meetings with them were not sufficient - it was like each one in the class needed one-on-one interaction! Even teachers individually met with me for class concerns (you know, the usual noise, non-submission, non-compliance, aggression, non-performance, lacking or wrong uniform, etc.) Though most of them were easy to deal with, some put me to the test. Though they were fun to be with, their liveliness sometimes ate me alive (I was just lucky to have been resurrected every time).



photo from B119

But maybe Hope and I were meant to be together. Maybe Hope happened so that my experience will be made more complete. Their notoriety made the task more challenging. But do not get me wrong. They were not monsters or anything like that. They were Tin Men with hearts (4).

Together, we achieved many good things. We participated in school activities such as the school Fair and the Charity Fair. The class had the highest number of volunteers for the Immersion activity with SASS (although not all were allowed to go) -- the seemingly irresponsible, undependable students interacted well with, and willingly did the household chores for, their "foster families" (even trying all their might not to shout out loud with an ipis (5) in sight). Walang arte. Just pure intention to learn coupled with energy and effort to help. Oh, it was such a beauty to behold...a revelation, a realization that made me smile all the more. I was bursting with pride!

Hope made me laugh. But they made me ache, too! There were times when I felt like a failure for having the least amount of donations for the 12 Days of Christmas Project, for having the least number of attendees to the 75th Foundation Eucharistic Celebration, for receiving a number of SBF's and AFUF's and just one C4 Seal...but somewhere along the road, someone told me, Have a Little Faith (6)...the book's last line was..."I am in love with HOPE."

Sr. Irene (do you still remember her?) once related that priests are there to take care of their ministry, like how God takes care of His people. She said that perhaps, Hope is a ministry. I remember responding: "I think their priest wants to go on leave." But I remained. Hope and I labored together. Hope and I failed together. Hope and I experienced things together. Hope and I made memories together.

Now, I only have gratitude for the year that was - happy and proud that all of Hope graduated without a hassle (no one for removal examinations, yey!) and all of them with a college to go to. Perhaps it was just a matter of time, and of getting to know them better that ended the year well. They may have been all that was described up (^) there. But there is more to them than what meets the eye and ears. The Tin Men are lovable (with all their varied and various qualities) and loving beings. Call it tough, but I never really expected to have such affection for them. For me, it the greatest love.....err....achievement of all!

(c) M.O. 2011

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(1) One Friday afternoon, in the library, where some of the Hopefuls and I were huddled in one table...
      English Teacher: *mad*shouting* "Ms. Tan, your class is so insolent!"
      Me: *puzzled*frozen*distressed* "Sorry, Ms."
      Audience (library-goers): *shocked*

(2) Adopted from the class of Hope Batch 2004

(3) Thought bubble: "Why was I assigned to this class again? Hmmm, let's see..." 

(4) Tin Men = Tin's Men? Haha! Hello president TinYu!  :D

(5) cockroach; ipis just sounds better

(6) Have A Little Faith is a novel by Mitch Albom. Nice read!

THE ME & ME COMPANY

This is a secret: sometimes I am glad when he is gone.
Sometimes I enjoy being alone. It is like flying.

Maybe I have been living alone in the past and is so used to it that just a year of constant company sometimes feels suffocating. No offense meant - everybody knows I will not be complete without the company. It is just that sometimes, I prefer to have just-me-myself-and-I moments.

I am not a loner. Most people I know would say I am cheerful and philosophical*, sometimes sarcastic (from what I heard) - and you cannot be any of these three if you are all by yourself! I love being part of a company. I love doing things together with my brood, or dining out with my barkada, or going places with team mates, or working together with colleagues, even joking around with my old folks. But togetherness could sometimes be exhausting. I am sure it is not only true for me. There always comes a need for recharging and it is best done when you are on your own.

I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude.
- Henry David Thoreau

 
1. I go on lone field trips. Perhaps the most remarkable one (with literal marks) was the 8-hour, mostly-on-foot tour I did around Manila, riding through the three train lines. I visited the artworks on display at the Megamall galleries, then museums from Fort Santiago to Luneta to Ocean Park traversing through Roxas as the sun sets to the Science Centrum in MOA, culminating in a fireworks display. The guard on duty at the US Embassy almost took my camera because I paused and took a picture of the light displays on the surrounding trees. What a recharging experience! :D

BLEAK: The US Embassy Scandal :-)

  2. I grab a book and get immersed in its pages so deeply (and undisturbed-ly) it would seem like I have taken a vacation off to the book's characters' world. I enjoy each page as the events unfold. I am able to visit various places, experience different cultures, get to meet other people and learn new/old-have-existed-before-me stuff. The most challenging read for me came from these two:

Left: An adventure yet to be completed. This book is a modern, more insightful version of Alice in Wonderland.
Right: An aging adventure: those with memory gaps, beware! The Buendias can get to your nerves :D

3. I write. Emotions are transformed into legible figures and characters, sometimes, they become emoticons too specially when I am lost in the me-me world through my doodles. Writings also come in the form of answers to Sudoku and crossword puzzles, or solutions to Physics word problems.

4. I walk a thousand steps without any specific direction in mind. I roam around the mall, frequenting either the bookstore or the DIY shops. I stroll through parks where I can enjoy my invisibility power despite many people around. My most-treasured walking moments would be those along the shore culminated by a sunset. Oh, I miss the province! :-(

5. I play with my camera, with the zombies, with Lex, with the jewels, with playing cards. I play dead (how's that?) I play recorded shows and/or downloaded TV shows.

My favorite TV shows

I walk alone. I skip gatherings. I dine alone. I go to church and sit on a pew - just killing time. I dream of long trips, sometimes enjoying the heavy traffic on my way home. I take some days off to enjoy me-time. Sometimes, I get mad just so people will leave me behind haha! Crazy! When the world gets too noisy, and there is no way for me to get away, I spend my me-time inside the comfort room, my area of refuge. There I read through verses and just let time pass while being alone with Him. There were times when I chose to be alone so I could cry. Believe me, crying is therapeutic. It makes laughing out loud such an easy thing to do. I just do not LOL when alone, I might be mistaken as a lunatic. But I smile. And when I do, that means I am ready to be with fellow human beings again.

The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside,
somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God.
Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be.
- Anne Frank

BUT KEEP THIS in MIND:

If you are lonely when you're alone, you are in bad company. :))
- Jean-Paul Sartre

*philosophical = state of "wayward" thinking, often expressed spontaneously making people either say haha while suppressing laughter, or just laughing out loud.

WALANG MALAY

KWENTO

Inaalagaan naman nila akong mabuti. Subalit kailangan kong mamuhay kasama ang tunay kong pamilya. Di na magtatagal ang buhay ng Lolo ko, at wala siyang mapag-iiwanan ng mga naipundar niya. Nag-iisang anak niya ang tunay kong ama na nag-paalam sa mundo dahil sa kalungkutan at sama ng loob - di niya kinaya ang maagang pagkawala ng tunay kong ina. Kung tutuusin, ang padating ko sa mundo ang naging mitsa ng lahat. Kaya kahit mawawalay ako sa pamilyang minahal ko at nagmahal sa akin nang tunay, kakayanin ko. Di naman ako talagang lalayo. Batid kong mahaba pa ang panahong nakalaan para magsama-sama kaming muli.

Minsan ako'y tulala at parang naililigaw

Di mawari kung tulog, o namumuhay sa balintataw

Diwa ko'y nais marating ang di-abot ng tanaw

Mabuti na lang at may realidad na sa akin ay pumupukaw!

IMAHINASYON

Napakaraming tao! At napakahalaga ng selebrasyon. Di man ako ang natatanging tauhan, ayos lang. Dati ko pa alam na ako'y natatangi, kakaiba, may natatagong kapangyarihan. Habang ang lahat ay abala sa pakikinig at pakikiisa, biglang mangyayari ang di ko inaasahan. Wala na. Ito na yun. Di ko na maililihim pa ang tunay kong katangian. Oo, di ako galing sa planetang ito. Biglang aangat sa ere ang hiram kong katawan. Malfunction. Ito ang tawag sa ganitong sitwasyon. Huli na para pindutin pa ang emergency button. Iisipin ng maraming tao na naging kasalamuha ko, "kaya pala siya kakaiba, ngayon, malinaw na ang lahat."

 

Malikot, mapaglaro, kapagdaka'y mapagbiro

Mga nakatagong pagtatangi dahilan ng pagkatuliro

Walang pagsidlan mga tanong na sa isip ay pumupuno

Sa pagmulat ng mata'y damang-dama ang pagkabigo.

PANAGINIP

Matagal ko na siyang di nakikita, di nakakausap. Ngunit di maitatanggi na isa siyang mahalagang bahagi ng buhay ko. Sabay naming sinubok ang tadhana noon. Naging matagumpay kami, subalit ang aming Pagtatapos ay naging hudyat ng paghihiwalay. Kanya-kanya ng buhay. Masyado kong ininda ang pagkawala niya. Pero isipin ko man o hindi, nagpaparamdam pa rin siya - siguro sa mga panahong may pagkakataong mababanggit siya, o mapag-uusapan ng mga taong naging bahagi din ng aming nakaraan. Nakakatuwa lang na sa panaginip ko siya nakakasama, at dun lang, doon ko lang nababalitaan ang mga nangyayari sa kanya. Iwinaksi ko na ang mga ala-ala ng dating buhay upang pilit siyang makalimutan. Pero di ng siguro madaling tanggalin sa sistema ang napakahalagang pinagsamahan. Paano na? Hanggang panaginip na lang ba ang pagkakaibigang iningatan?

Kathang-isip lamang ba, o may bahid ng katotohanan,

Mga pangyayaring sumasagi, minsa'y gumugulo sa isipan?

Bakit naman kasi sa dami ng maaaring mapanaginipan,

Yun at yun din ang nasusumpungan?

 

Sadya atang tadhana ang sa atin ay lumilinang

Nakapikit man ang mata'y di siya malilinlang

Lalabas at lalabas ang kulay, damdamin mong tunay

Buhay ka man, patay, o walang malay.

(akda para kay Ito)

Iisang Lugar, Magkaibang Panahon: Panaginip? Imahinasyon?

A NUMBERED EXISTENCE

(c) Google Inc.

47.14

8:30

47%

5000

8, 13, 4, 25, 17, 2
35

If you are to optimize the browser that is my mind, these will be the most current entries that you will see. I may not always consider my thoughts but most actions and preferences I have made through my daily existence revolved around numbers. Let us set aside technicalities and leave the math behind. I do not even have to pause for moments of reflection to realize how relevant numbers are. Truth is, though I may not always count, my conscious efforts are almost always quantified. 

I did not have to know how many pounds I was when I first appeared in public, but I am semi-conscious of the pounds I gain when I fail to control intake and burn the excess calories through exercise.

I can only dream about getting taller, but I do not let my height of 5 feet hinder me from enjoying 7-feet deep swims.

I do not watch out for updates on the national life expectancy rate, or my BP, or my pulse rate, but I am always on the lookout for the number of hours I spend for the oftentimes-hard-to-come-by luxurious sleep.

I know if I am spending too much but I do not count the cost of something for someone;  beware though because I can get furious (hmm...) over a peso unjustly and unfairly taken away from me.

I may have lived out "quality over quantity" in the process of acquisition but I always seek for more economical alternatives.

I do not have to measure the distance between home and the office but I sure know how much time I need to allot for the travel to avoid losing precious gold.

I know I am aged but I am not concerned. I can still laugh out loud like a kid so I am sure I am fine.

So what exactly are those (^) precious digits doing in my brain? Let's see...

47.14 is the number of minutes it took me to finish the race I recently joined in, positive as it is smaller (shorter) than the time it took me to do the same task last time ...

8:30 is the current time for duty calls, positive as it gives me a traffic-less pathway and protects me from the harmful UV rays come closing time..

47% is the new target for the biggest chunk of the performance score card, negative as it is waaaay higher than the previous metric targets...

5000 refers to the number of one-peso coins I have to keep in the bank for the realization of a life-long project, positive as it is a source of motivation...

8, 13, 4, 25, 17, 26 are my winning lottery numbers. Not! Haha! These are my favorite numbers. 8 is deemed a lucky number because writing it would always end up in an upward stroke; 13 is a lonely, superstitiously considered unlucky number making it an awesome choice; 4 is the opposite of thirteen because it indicates company; 25 is Majesty's magic number; 17 is the first two-digit prime number (aside from eleven and thirteen which are less lonely - eleven having ones in pair, thirteen having a history of its own plus single digits are naturally proud because they can stand alone); and 26 is a very special number and, reader, you should know why :D

35 is the number of 24-hour periods I have to spend before ending a year-long project and embarking on a new, exciting, challenging and risk-laden project away from home sweet home.

Generally, I have to allot time (whether I like it or not) to check on prices to pay, to consider a number of rules to keep in mind and heart and to deal with various tags, digits, and numbers to continue experiencing a smooth-sailing journey that is life.

Yes, there is more to numbers than their unique forms and figures and the amount, count or quantity associated with them. Presents, friends, check marks on the to-do or bucket list, earnings, work experience - numbers of which give us joy, or sadness, but meaning nonetheless. Here are some more evidences of the meaningful-ness of numbers. I hope they will encourage you more to make sure that it's not the years in your life that should count but the life in your years as Abraham Lincoln has put it. Read on for some more food for thought ;-)

I think prime numbers are like life. They are very logical but you could never work out the rules, even if you spend all your time thinking about them. 

~ Mark Haddon

The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings. 

~ Eric Hoffer, Reflections On The Human Condition

Although he may not always recognize his bondage, modern man lives under a tyranny of numbers. 

~ Nicholas Eberstadt, The Tyranny of Numbers: Mismeasurement and Misrule 

I know that two and two make four - and should be glad to prove it too if I could - though I must say if by any sort of process I could convert 2 and 2 into Five, it would give me much greater pleasure.

~ George Gordon, Lord Byron

God does not care about our mathematical difficulties; He integrates empirically.

~ Albert Einstein

Just for Fun! (c) Miniclip.com