POKER of SORROW

I could use comfort right now. But I would officially be deemed a crybaby if I would insist on that. With the current volume of space that I occupy, and the increasing number of strands of wisdom that I have, being tagged a crybaby would be the most immature of all acts.

 

I am in anguish. Perhaps the most painful part of dreaming a dream and visualizing it into realization is the fact that everything could still utterly go wrong despite the realization being a short step away. At the moment, it feels like sorrowful mysteries come alive.

 

I am bleeding. I am sore. I am spent. And through all these, I find it so odd to beam with pride over having been poked through every possible opening in my human body. I have never felt so defenseless in my life. What, with the consent that I have awarded to pokers, they could remain as focused and intent on poking even if hell breaks loose.

 

Taking in precious air for basic life support is made more challenging by outflows from the windows to the soul. Contrived, or not, they offer that exhilarating release from the captivity set about by disappointment, depression, denial, and even self-destruction.

 

Perhaps, days are numbered, and today is assigned to be commemorated under the mysteries of the sorrowful. And now I have to force myself to sleep peacefully amidst the enduring discomfort reminiscent of the sickness that was.

 

Do not let your minder wander too much. Take things as they are, or leave them.

 

 

NEOCORTEX, PLEASE TAKE OVER

What is it that makes you imagine laying side by side with someone, and spending the last waking minutes (or hour) before sleep for a sensible conversation about the day's events? I would like to wish for a lifetime of such moments. Or an experience of it, at least.

More than companionship and memory-induced happiness, the recent meet up events have exposed my fundamentally-functioning three-part brain into a mill of higher than basic ideas, aspirations, spurs-to action, and imaginations of an exciting, awe-inspiring, and life-supporting adventure.  One worthy noting and sharing, one to be modeled on for sustainability of an enriched life, one to serve as an epitome of witnessing life and transforming one's innate powers to their maximum potential, more for the benefit of others rather than thyself.

I have my long-time friends to thank for for the brain-washing aka ultimate inspiration aka challenge. It may sound so far-fetched, but I can assure you, it is only true for me. Perhaps the greatest blunder that applies to yours truly is the fact that opportunities abound, and the static me almost always choose to doze off on the sand, in the comfort of the shore, even never minding the sweltering heat of the sun. The sea has been calm, cool, and craving for company, even showing clearly all the crazy journeys that appeal to the most simple of senses. But ♪♫ here I am, is it I, I have heard You calling on my name...♫♪ remains to be the theme song of the immobile being.

The past is a pool of lessons learned, skills developed, and extra powers accumulated.

The present easily becomes dark without the occasional spark from external motivators.

The future is bright, but the end of the tunnel is still too far away.

“Rarely if ever, moments come that are so defining in our lives. The years are glutted with benign matters which impact us more deeply than we could have ever imagined in our youth.” 
― Joel T. McGrath

Perhaps staying afloat amidst the water, and the wind, and the wisecracks is one step enough to that journey of a thousand miles. I hope to get there. Lead me. And, please, take the wheel.

FRIDAY FRAPPé! (A TGIF VERSION)

Yay!!! Time to party!!! Thank God it's Friday!!!

I hope those extra exclamation marks give justice to the energy level that I now associate with the expression. I had a decade's worth of normal weekends (with Friday being the last working day most of the time) but the project I am working on right now has me on call ala doctor for the ER. Since the project caters to a 24/7 kind of service, I have had first and last days of the week starting and ending not on the usual Mondays and Fridays. But hurray to hard work and prioritized schedules, my team and I are now enjoying the normal, usual schedule for work. ;-)

Today has been filled with laughter despite threats lurking around the corner. I guess, our resilient nature always gets the better of us, and whether with good news or bad news, we always tend to pass through the negativities and move forward. A lot of other Fridays have passed yet I am compelled to write only now. Maybe out of sheer joy for having survived another half a year, or having successfully alighted the overloaded train, or maybe because today is the only Friday that does not only end the week but the month as well (with reference to 2013, that is). What a real ender! :-)

In the haste of the fast-fading Friday, err, actually due to the loooooong queue at the UV Express terminal, I was able to list down some F-ing points as to why Friday deserves favorable feature.

1. FANCY FREEBIES

EOMs are loooked-forward-to moments for reaping what one has sown, that is, how much we have made the lives of others better (or easier, whichever applies) by satisfying their service needs. With the help of a spinning wheel, we get the price that we deserve. Sometimes, we get what we sooo want but oftentimes, we settle with what options are left. Much similar to life giving you apples when you wish for bananas - but you receive anyway and you eventually convince yourself that you are still at the winning end - better have apples than nothing. It's like wishing and praying for something you really want and God giving you what you need instead. Freebies on days like these include well wishes for a great weekend and lingering goodbyes and chats, as if the next Monday would come in after 365 days. :P

2. FLAVOR FEAST

Last days are almost equivalent to celebrations. These are days for rewarding oneself for a jobweek well done. Today, I had my once-a-week coffee and chocolate cake, and grabbed one bar of Snickers for munching while on the way back to the mountains. Ooops, sugar galore! Most Fridays though are buffet days with the team or with a group of friends. On special Fridays though, the flavor feast happens at a favorite watering hole, with the foamy and fizzy drinks adding so much more excitement and fun*. *Only as observed - only soda or juice for me. I envy those mighty guys whose tummies are, I would like to believe, made of steel ;-)

3. FRANTIC FAVORS

Over the frenzied atmosphere are busy bees either trying hard to get the assigned work completely done, or taking a chance of moving forward, to gain some steps ahead. Reminders, acknowledgements, sign-offs, recapitulation of key notes, recall of processes and evaluation are almost simultaneously accomplished. Last-minute emergency meetings are inserted into queueing times when all hands are on deck (really?), but only when we have already logged out from our cubes. Let not the weekend matter, err, let not the rest days bring us bad news, so continue working for as long as you can.

4. FORGIVE AND FORGET

Weekly report on metrics is part of every coaching session. Just like traffic lights, the score you get would tell us what our next course of action will be. As such, Green means GJKIP or good job, keep up the good work. The challenge would be to do better to help up the team's score. Yellow means wait, wait, wait. Be alert for the next clues as scores falling within this category are more of the make or break kind. One wrong move and we're dead. The challenge is to focus and pay attention to be able to land on the green field. Red means stop. Stop, look and listen. What have we been doing wrong? Deep-dive analysis, here we come! Oh no! But yes, we still will say "thank God it's Friday!" We are resilient, remember? There is always hope. And we can always push. We are still equipped with the courage of acceptance and the determination to do so much better next time, the willingness to start  anew and an open mind to consider priorities and goals to aim at. So, forgive and forget, let the lessons be learned. ;-)

5. FINAL FEELERS

While our minds are set on activities we have lined up to make the most of our weekend rest days, we continue to think about areas for improvement, we regress and reflect, we project metric summary to make it to the next level, or just survive to remain part of the project. Hmm, evaluation, termination, resignation, promotions - such a convolution before freedom. This could surely make us decrepit - makes us feel we are living our lives frivolously. But who's to say? We fight hard everyday. We work hard on every call. We truly, madly, deeply deserve the break. So, stats, please be kind. ;-)

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Weekends start with this chilled delight.
Frappé coffee is a Greek foam-covered iced coffee drink made from instant coffee (generally, spray-dried).
 The word frappé is French and comes from the verb frapper which means to 'beat'.
Let's do the beat, let's party! :D
[Image from Google]

SHE's THE ONE!

(A recollection of memories. Dedicated to the most wonderful woman in the world!)

Finally! I am ready for a tell-all. This is the first of a series of stories about the woman I am so proud to be with - the woman who has been more than my partner, a love of my life, one I could not have lived without.

Yes, we have been together for a long time now and we have known each other for almost all my life. She is the only one who knows me inside out. She is my ultimate fan, my greatest supporter, my bestfriend (who could be my best enemy as well), my counselor, the wind beneath my wings, my greatest treasure.

She may be the face I can't forget, the trace of pleasure or regret, may be my treasure or the price I have to pay...

Kidnap me and she will be more than willing to be the ransom.  During the hardest (think famine-like) moments of our lives, she would even give me the piece she's about to eat. Never mind that she is uncomfortable, hungry or tired - for her, I come in first. She is an epitome of selflessness.



teenager Mama

She may be the song that summer sings, may be the chill that autumn brings, may be a hundred different things within the measure of a day...She may be the beauty or the beast, may be the famine or the feast, may turn each day into a heaven or a hell...

I still vividly remember the gloomy afternoon when she was called in for a conference with some authorities. I admit I had my share of being despicable. I tried to hide the truth from her, resulting to a much bigger trouble. I prepared for my banishment, for young as I was back then, I knew that was the most appropriate consequence of my action. I was ready to be punished. On the way home after the meeting, she did not utter a single reprimand, not a word as well. I thought I was saved. But, alas! What I saw hurt me more. She bore the punishment for me.

Just Married :-)

  

She maybe the mirror of my dreams, the smile reflected in a stream, she may not be what she may seem inside her shell....

She nags. She shouts. She gets mad. Yes, she is human and imperfect. But that's only when she was forced to make me learn the hard way.

She who always seems so happy in a crowd, whose eyes can be so private and so proud, no one's allowed to see them when she cries...

She is always optimistic. She is always energetic. She has worked like there was no tomorrow. She is always grateful, whatever the circumstance may be. She cries. Yes, she cries, but only when (she believes) I am already asleep. No matter how hard things get, she never shows weakness - for she is the energizer that keeps me moving forward, the motivation that reminds me to always strive to be better, the inspiration that allows me to settle for less for as long as I am happy.

Career woman Mama

She maybe the love that cannot hope to last, may come to me from shadows of the past that I'll remember till the day I die...

She taught me to face my fears, to be brave especially when I am alone. One midsummer night, she almost left me.  She has been unconscious for at least a week's time and when she was brought back to life, she did not have any recollection of all that was past. She forgot even my name. I thought it was the end of us. I have given up and accepted defeat, but she fought back really hard to return so as not to break my heart.

Mama after stroke

She maybe the reason I survive, the why and wherefore I'm alive, the one I'll care for through the rough and ready years...

Now, devoid of the strength that supported me through all my falls, she still manages to take care of me. I have grown - bigger and stronger than she ever could be at this point in her life - but I still am caught in moments when she stands taller, when she still provides the energy I need to go through this maze called life. How does she do it? Only she knows. Probably, only a great mother like her knows. I could only pray that I may be even as half as mighty as her...that I maybe her source of strength, too...that I may make her proud by being able to stand on my own.

[Though it was only lately that I have learned that she aspired to be a teacher, my heart leapt for joy knowing that I was able to realize that dream for her. I was thinking that maybe, secretly, she has prepared me for that decade of attempting to touch lives. Haha! She may get tired easily these days, and she may blame old age for her short-term memory (the stroke is the real culprit for Ma was as sharp as a tack), I will never ever get tired of teaching her the R's. Even if it takes us back to a-e-i-o-u's and 1-10 counting. I will always be the best of my teaching self to you, Ma.]

I'll take her laughter and her tears, and make them all my souvenirs, for where she goes I've got to be, the meaning of my life is she...

So, world, hear ya, hear ya! Meet my mother, my Mama - the source of my powers, my kryptonite, the best giver, the best teacher, the love of my life...

Happy Mother's Day, Ma! Thank you for loving me more than I love myself. I love you!

P.S. Check out the link below. A must read mother story.

My Mom Lied...Makes me More Ashamed...but Truly Loved



SUMMER RAIN

Don't you love it?

The heat of the sun quenched by the sudden gust of rain. Or sunrays becoming misty through raindrops, then rainbows!

Err, maybe not. Getting caught between rain and sun almost always ends up with us getting sick. No go. No, thank you.

Summertime! Hot, and wild. The rising temperature almost always makes people crazy. We adjust. Eventually, we find comfort in the costly cool breeze of an airconditioner or, enjoy sweet delight while feasting on halo-halo or icecream. Then it rains. The humid air is suddenly unwelcomed. The almost barren feet becomes covered by patches of moist dust and there is that sticky, perspir-y sensation that gives you one of the most undesirable, persistently irritating feeling. Speak about sudden changes which catch you unaware.

Think about it: you have labored through extended time gaining confidence that you have mastered what you are doing only to find out that at the last lap, when your energy is almost depleted, when you expected the ride to be smooth and easy, you would be faced with the steep-est uphill slope. Just when someone tells you to hurry because you are almost there, you find the last bend to be the most challenging turn of all. Just when the day of the most-awaited event drew near, you realize all the possibilities threatening to ruin the perfect ending you have been working so hard to get to. You may say, "aww, man! What a blitz!"

Then  the idea of defeat dawns on you...enough! Not the end yet, pal! You still stand a chance.

But just when you thought dry land was your last resort, rain came pouring down. And my, my, my - it did as if it has not done for the last century! Just when you finally let go and give up (on the plus side), suddenly more challenges take form. Just when you are out of breathe, the next gulp of life-sustaining air becomes for sale!

What a world! I surmise that despite the bright, scorching heat of the sun, you might be thinking of a cold, gloomy ending. Maybe right now, you would be "giving-it-all" to know what happened next. SECRET SURPRISE! That is what endings or concluding statements are for. ;-)

Addage says that the journey itself matters more than the destination, considering what you have gained, what you have learned, of course.

See, the journey is a map of exciting, emabarrassing, excruciating nonetheless educational elements and everything else in between.Those who do not die along the way become stronger. Those who suffer brain-ache become wiser. Those who, in one way or another, experience being crippled, stuck or useless become more adept and indispensable. The journey feeds on little journeys cycling through dream-believe-survives, ready-set-gos, ask-believe-receives and of let-gos and let-Gods. Each little part corresponds to steps taken one at a time, mini-goals accomplished to contribute to the desired end goal.

Charting traits would exhibit extremes such as being cowardly and courageous, meek and mad, darling and dangerous (nothing criminal, just maybe out of desperation when plans go awry).

Dangers and doubts are key players. Directions, detours and distractions do not only provide an extra heap of convoluted and confusing course of actions - they become venues for establishing faith in whatever or whoever keeps you one and whole and sane to continue moving forward.

Ahh, there you go! What really matters most is that you continue on. You never give up - even if it rains cats and dogs on a pleasant summer day and you are enjoying your gold-label ice cream while waiting for the sun to set. Even if you know that the sight will not be as glorious or as awesome as imagined, something good still comes out of it. Well, you don't know, maybe something peculiarly beautiful might come out of it.

Sunset at the Boulevard
(c) Google Images

As always, journeys come to an end - the end result of which will dictate the next fragment of herstory.

Regret for mis-steps, but do not dwell so much on them, only as much as learning from mistakes. As my team lead always reminds us - past is past, moving forward...

Resolve to better luck next time, err, to do better and be better next time.

Review courses taken, re-calibrate strategies, replenish resources spent - invest anew on time, talents, tools, and re-create scenarios and loose ends to seal the deal and be empty enough for the refill.

Rest for thou hast made significant contribution to your timeline. Peace be with others as well, for definitely, you have posted on their timelines, too.

Most of all, rejoice and be grateful that you came out of the big J alive. Nothing beats being given another chance. Life is really a never-ending cycle of starts and ends. So, level up! Always be ready like Barney Stinson. ;-)

Here's to the next step, to becoming better: --->Challenge Accepted!

Time Flies...Really Fast!

age
tic-toc
old and new

hellos and goodbyes

another set of candles to blow

earth colors fading from green to gold

hurrahs and graduation caps tossed in the air

terms of endearment changing from ija to auntie

increasing number of pages to read back on the journal

caps, sweaters, scarves and jackets piled neatly in the dresser

seasons of cool breeze and humid weather and extravagant travels

new set of information to write on forms particularly on the space before y/o

scorecards of greens (hopefully no reds) showing up in blasts and posts and boards

alarm sounding off, getting from one place to another, turning calendar pages, people leaving, loved ones dying, offsprings coming forth, projects and budgets, anniversaries and new chapters, accomplishements in missions, time beaten in races, checkmarks on the bucket list, number of torn sneakers, strands of white hair...

 

When caught in traffic while in a hurry, you painstakingly watch how every second goes by with the slow (or non)-moving vehicle you are in.

Close your eyes for two minutes and it may seem like eternity. I remember what my coach told me about the great difference between putting clients on virtual hold (i.e., with dead air) and putting them on real hold. If you are up for a very satisfying response, better entertain them with automated noise rather than make them feel left behind, alone with silence. Two minutes could be such a long time, relatively speaking.

Take a leave off for several days and when you go back to work, there is a great chance that you will be lost in track with the work process. But be gone and away from friends for a decade and you would still be chatting incessantly ala highschool years come reunion time. Like years have not passed at all.

Time goes by so fast that you almost always find yourself cramming just to beat it.

Time goes by so fast that sometimes the setting sun is mistakenly seen as the rising one.
Time goes by so fast that sometimes you wonder why you are in the midst of a different group of people.
Time goes by so fast that the number of what-ifs and could-have-beens increases without you noticing them.
Time goes by so fast that you either race against it, or just let it pass by, making the most of what you have and enjoying whatever remaining life years you have.

If only we could fly faster than time...
If only we have full control of it to manage it most wisely...
If only we could see the future to be prepared of what is to come...
If only we could turn back time to make better use of what has passed...
If only we were always set with the right mind to make ourselves most productive and deserving of the time lent to us..

Time is gold.
Time is an illusion.
Time is immemorial.
Time belongs to one who has nothing else.
Time is a thief that robs us of our past selves, subtly so.
Time is both most valuable and most perishable.
Time does not change us, it unfolds us.

Use time wisely. :D

CLAIMED: DONE and DID IT!

I am wiriting this on the first day of my second chance with the third major project I am working on. This would be present tense in the future. (that is, written in the past, published today which is present, which at the time of writing was the future...hmmm...I know you get it. ;-)  (Tenses might be confusing: bear with me).

Since I was forced to set goals and hit them, I have claimed early on that I will, err, I have already achieved what I am expected to. I proclaim that gloomy days are over.  I have conquered a challenge which has kept me imprisoned for so long a time. I just actually celebrated with food and friends who were with me through the trials. Today is great - much better than a brand new day!

I still recall what my coach told me about the options I had: whether to stay with a bang, or leave with a slam. Easy pick. But we all know that it is not as easy as choosing which shirt to wear or which donut to eat . I was lucky enough to have been backed-up by him who was willing to take a big risk just to bring out the best in me. I told him, why are you betting all your eggs on an almost-dead frog like me? His answer was simple, albeit, inspirational and has been the crux for all events proceeding. That was a serious talk but for the sake of not getting too serious, he masked his speech -for all intents and purposes -with quotations sounding like "you got me at hello", or "help me help you."

For three straight months I have given 99% of my all (yes, still human) towards achieving the goal of graduating from cap. (For those who know, you know what I mean. For those who do not, send me a pm haha!). I prayed so hard that maybe even the heavens got deaf. I raised cheerfulness to the highest level even if it meant smiling alone (ie, facing a machine whilst interacting with a human voice). My favorite "yay!" has lengthened and has been expressed with much more emphasis with time. Yes, I have considered my member's triumphs to be my victories as well. I shun 99% (ahem) of negative vibes by allowing myself to be entertained by bullies, twins, breakouts, covert affairs, undesirable pear shapes, attractive gay people, out-of-comfort-zone mini-trips, occasional non-routinary adventures, triumphant disputes, special access to tools and scripts, and other such things that made mundane everydays into emotion-filled heavy days (erase the negative connotation associated with "emotion"...those were mostly happy days).

Ahh! The taste of freedom is in my hands. The bitter-sweet memory of the recent past is summed up by the figures on my scorecard. YAY! I did it! Hoooooraaay! (Now just for laughs, because we are all happy here, imagine me dancing the Gangnam style hahaha!)

But more than graduating and promotions and all the rewards I will be getting, the past three months have taught me about resilience in the face of adversity, humilty through victories, and honesty in the midst of all constructs of reality the business world has exposed me to. The long time I have given in getting to where I am right now is just a breeze compared to how much others have spent-much like blooming later, or being retarded. I may have learned the hard way, but as they say, all is well that ends well. ;-)

I have only gratitude for all those who helped me make it through. My mentor who considered my end-of-the-world thoughts often silly has never tired of encouraging me while at the same time posing mini-challenges for me to achieve - much like taking it part by part, one step at a time. My bestfriend, who may have been tormented by my random more-often-than-not expressions of fears, failures and faults, has been so supportive and has been a source of extra energy to  go on. My special someone has always been by my side -physically or not - his presence is my life. My family - well, you know what families usually do in times of crisis. ;-)

It is not really a major major feat - more of a little big kind of thing. The future will never be less challenging just because I have overcome this major hurdle. Surprises will not always bring joy. Smiles will fade when things would be so much to bear. The random, silly expressions will have a new edition.What matters most is that we keep on fighting, praying, and hoping that someday, somehow, we will be where we are destined to be.

The COVETED VANISHING ACT

Sigh.

Where do you go to hide?
They say you can run, but you can never hide.
Whew! What a dreadful situation!
Would it be easier to just take the blows?
Much like taking charge and owning up to it.
It would be quite a challenge to establish a sense of peace and freedom, no matter how temporary.

You can run, but you can never hide.
Where is the comfort in that?

Am I just so naive?
Either that, or I am immune beyond repair.
I hear about it. I see it. I guess, I know about it.
And it makes me guilty of betrayal every time I utter something about it.
Much like adding insult to perceived injury.

I do not consider myself defenseless though.
For one, I am not directly involved in the hulabaloo that is the mysterious vanishing act.
It is something so complicated that I would be more comfortable knowing Squidward is capable of suicide.
~ ~ ~ ~
It is actually not my business.
But maybe time has come that it has gone out of control.
Whether the current situation is liked or not, there is no more turning back.
Now is the time when the only way forward is to let it out, vie for justice and forgiveness.
Then move on without anything from the dark past.
Because dodging ill thoughts is not even an option.

All the same, involved or not, it feels like I am drawn, weighed down, burdened.
Gone are those days when I could easily shrug thoughts of it off my mind.
I tried so hard to reinvent the wheel of stories but to no avail.
It  has gone too obvious to be ignored.

Incorrigible. Irredeemable. Incomprehensible. 


Why, oh why?
(c) Google

I have been warned.
Am I just adamant to face the shock this culture is exposing me to?
Am I too childish to opt to remain oblivious just so I ain't be bothered by vicarious liability?
Am I so self-righteous to accept the ugly truth that beings with innate goodness and in the right mind are capable of screwing things up?
Am I so wrapped in my own happy bubble that I am not able to at least get a good grasp of the overwhelming indicators that shout out "this is for real, it is happening!"?

Help me.
I am confused as ever.
ACT? or just VANISH?

ONLY ONCE, NOT TWICE

The past week showed off with second chances coming only once in a lifetime.

Business meetings not happening translated to zero income, negative market value, return of investment happening over an extended period of time.

One roundabout of the seconds hand spelled out the difference between success and failure. Twenty-nine more rounds distingusihed loyalty and trustworthiness from irresponsibility, unrealiability and, sometimes, unfaithfulness.

Going the extra mile is not anymore intended for excellence, not even satisfaction, but merely for coming in terms with the minimum expectations.

Catching of breath is an understatement. The closer I get to the goal, the more I realize how very little time I have left as every second counts as precious as life support.

Missing-in-action. Miscalculations. Misdemeanor. Mis-judgement (if there is such a word). It seems like the world is so strict and stern that mistakes are not allowed. Commit, with full awareness or none, and you will definitely have regrets if you fail to deliver. As they say, ignorance of the law excuses no one.

The very recent past has put me into a coma state. Maybe due to the irregular hibernating pattern, maybe due to the foreign substance I have been voluntarily ingesting, or simply, maybe to the mundane cycle that life is--where challenges are many, and triumphs are overrated.

How do you deal with tomorrows when you failed doing something in the past? Would that tomorrow be entirely different than what you are supposed to have (and enjoy)? How will you live in the present if the past haunts you with undeniable guilt and regret for failing to do the basics?

Yes! Admit it.
For once, or twice, or even more than thrice in your life (or, maybe just for mine), you have been subjected to the torture brought about by time not favoring your side. This event is camouflaged by the big T, which in layman's terms - or in handbooks, rule books for companies, schools and other institutions - is identified, defined and described as the act of tardiness.

Imagine: CLASPED HANDS while praying for your bestbuddy - the machine - to boot up quickly so you can pull up your tools before your first client for day while your HEART BEATS at double the normal rate while your catching up through DEEP or short, quick BREATHS while you are frantically wiping PERSPIRATION off your WORRIED FACE while thinking about RESTroom trips while considering REGRETS for not acting earlier while doing your best to get rid of the PANIC-ky feeling consuming your whole being. UTTER CHAOS! By then, you would have already formed a to-do list, if not an advanced new year's resolution, so as to be confidently and comfortably early the next day.

Lucky you if you a have a very understanding bestfriend who waits for you and tells you to take your time whenever you are late for a date.
Lucky you if you have an accommodating supervisor who dodges official written reprimands for a few instances of being late.
Lucky for you if you are not racing against a last full show, or the last mass, or the last trip, for you will always have the chance to take the next one.


(c) Google Images


But life is not life without its share of uncertainties and unfortunate events. Hauling back home a car-load of luggages and big B boxes just because you missed the flight just because you were tardy is too much to think about, what more to bear. Although my once-upon-a-time tardiness has put me right in the center orchestra for the Miss Saigon show (ie, instead of in the balcony with my classmates who had the same discounted ticket as mine), taking chances with time is like expecting miracles to happen everyday, and as you wish.

It is true that we cannot ALWAYS be at the right place at the right time. And sometimes, being at the wrong place at the right time is a moment as precious as having a second chance at life.

Tardiness has caused me so much distress to the point of being under duress. With a few instances, I have endured the shameful, guilty feeling and the physical discomfort. It is so easy to feel horrible for not living up to basic expectations. But truth be told, I do not have total control of how events involving myself will unfold. (think of manong fx driver who reasonably prioritizes income over arrival time, or an unanticipated super-heavy traffic).

Looking at the brighter side, I have learned to be kinder not only to myself, but to others as well who/which, in one way or another, have contributed to my tardiness count, or for those who have made me wait. I have come to accept that whatever happens, happens for a reason - this widens the horizon by making me more understanding of the situation, more forgiving for it makes me humble, more patient and more hopeful and excited for the next chance to do better. Knowing that there is always a tomorrow to makeup certainly makes you look forward to it. Just do not get stuck with always "looking forward". Habitual tardiness is never an option.

So if you get stuck* and is running late, just live with it. Love the slow motion life that gives you a chance to smell the flowers. And, if worse comes to worst, learn to laugh at it! Ciao!


*getting stuck is meant to mean having done all your best but to no avail.

TIME CHECK: The PAST O'CLOCK

In the midst of searching for a very important document (which is the subject of another article in the collection), I happen to chance upon drafts of missives I have shared and distributed to people of my past (for I do not have any inkling as to where and how they are as of the moment.

It was almost summertime if my recollection is right. It was time to bid goodbye and time to fill the gap with moments worth keeping.  Between the recent end and the upcoming, fast approaching, new beginning is a gap so void-like that uncertainties, anxieties and wishful thoughts race their way to fill it up. I am sure that everyone was able to survive the flash flood. I believe all of us were able to move on and forward.

Herein I include samples of what transpired during the interim separation. Let them be food for your recollection. I wonder where these have led the recipients to. I wonder how far these have moved them so. I felt a lil twinge when I read through. Haha! I felt so detached from the one who was the source who was the author who is me. Has the gap eaten me alive? I hope not. J

(Recipients are not actually named for security and privacy reasons…if you know what I mean ;-)

DRAFT 1:

Dearest Jane,

Are you, in any way, related to Veronica? She really looks just like you! Your long-lost sister maybe....haha! I hope the first lines made your imagination work (a bit). I really admire your artworks and Ms. Art Teacher is so proud of you. I am too! I hope that you keep up the good work and keep improving your craft. Invite me to your exhibit ha? You know how to contact me. Godbless in your endeavours! May this picture help inspire you. Go and make the world a more beautiful place! J

Queenstown 2009

DRAFT 2:

Dearest Joyce,

My fondest memory of you would be the moments when you simply allowed me to call you Joyce, even with the smirk on your face hahaha! I know we have not “bonded” that often but I always feel your presence in the classroom, even without words said, heard, or noticed. J Thank you for the smile, and for being easy to be with. This picture is of a Makahiya plant...its leaves would shy away when touched. Interestingly amazing, ayt? Just like you – with your mystifying smile! :D May you continue to spread the love with your candidness, sincerity and amiability. Till we meet again! God bless you!

Queenstown 2009

DRAFT 3:

Dearest Veronica,

You are ‘small but terrible’, quiet but with a voice so powerful!

You have amazed me in many counts; for your presence, I am grateful! 

For the very supportive gestures in early morning sessions,

For the easy smile and undivided attention during discussions,

For the hand-drawn bulletin board decoration,

Merci mademoiselle, yours is my admiration.

Queenstown 2009

DRAFT 4:

Dearest Isabel,

Since that afternoon when you hypothesized that I was an anti-matter kind of creation, I have been so relieved...I thought I was weird, but I found out you are a bit weirder than I am! That makes me more normal. Bwahaha! :D  I hope, though, that you were able to gather enough information through the year to finally come up with a sound conclusion as to what I am really made of. J I will miss you and our “educational” banters. May this picture remind you that the world is so wide and that inquisitive beings like you will always find satisfaction in its material and immaterial realms. May you continue your exploration, enriching both you and your next “subject/s of inquiry”. Ask. Learn. Master. Share. God bless you!

Anawangin 2010

 

DRAFT 5:

Dearest Bernadette,

Time flies as fast as the golden snitch! It seems like I have just welcomed Older Sister to my Physics class, and now I am bidding you goodbye. :”(  But I believe we had time well spent. Thank you for reminding me that I can be (if not yet) young (younger than my age hahaha!) forever. Though we age with the Harry-Ron-Hermione gang, magic - in all its forms - will keep us at our best, that is, alive and kicking! You may not have the wand to call out “Reparo!” to undo mistakes, or “Lumos” to avoid getting in touch with the dark and dangerous elements of the world out there, but you have you and Him to win over the dementors. :) May this picture remind you of Hedwig, and all the wonders of the world. Stay young and excited. Make the world more wonder-ful with your magical presence! J

Baluarte 2009

I hope this reminiscing has brought back nothing but the happy memories of the past. For the meantime, may we all enjoy the beautiful, mysterious, amazing, wonderful and magical world where we belong. Ciao!

Yours truly,

TicToc J

CLOSING TIME

HEAVEN UP THERE?
Subic 2009

You are gone. You went ahead. You left me here. You broke my heart.

Worst, you chose to go when I was farthest from you - 

no goodbyes, no hugs, not even a smile. 

Did you cry? Were you afraid? Did you willingly let go?

Almost half a decade has passed and I still long for that one last moment.

Until now, I cannot muster enough strength to visit you.

I know that you know I have not completely let go. 

I have not even given myself time to mourn. I just simply moved on.

 I still feel you here - the sound of your laughter cheers me up, your words of wisdom,

the plans you thought of for the future you looked forward to - they guide me daily.

It will be difficult to go solo with the missions your selflessness has set.

I can only wish to be half as generous and as compassionate as you...

 In the end, I hope and pray that I'll make you proud, t'is my only way to thank you. 

And when it's my time, I know I will not miss you anymore.

When it's my time, I hope I'll see you there.

Then we can cry, and hug, and smile.

The first quarter of the year has been a witness to many good souls moving on to the next, or the other, side of life. Mysterious as it is, no one had any inkling as to when the time would happen. Learning about one's passsing brought us to a state of shock as we simultaneously felt the great loss and faced, if not accepted, the fact that there is nothing that we can do about it. Nature defeated us again by running its own course. 

Nothing compares to the pain due to the loss of a loved one. Aside from the emptiness felt, we have to move on and live as normally as possible until we reach the end of our own road. It is not a surprise then if others would rather go (with, or ahead) than be left behind. We pretend to be strong until the pretentions become real, we implement changes in our routine...but no mater how we try to go back on track, we know our lives will never be the same.

Our thoughts change. Our points of view either diverge, or converge depending on what we have been believing through our life time. Ironically, the happy memories shared with the dearly departed become stakes piercing the heart, making it bleed more.

Regrets. Longing. Remorse. Sadness. Episodes of crying out loud. Moments of silence. Quiet reflections. A daily companion once shared that, almost always, a person is changed for the better when the end draws near. Everyone suddenly has all the time to smell the flowers. Sadly, it is only then that we realize that flowers dominate the earth - too late to slow down. Oh, but just to see them from afar is sometimes good enough. Some who left never even learned that flowers exist. Worse, some only heard of them and were not given the chance to touch them for real.

Would we ever feel that it is almost time? Though it has been said that we will never, ever, be ready, but if premonitions* are true for all, will we have enough time to make sure we have accomplished our individual mission/s before departing? I am inclined to think that we will have our chance, only, maybe,  most of us would be in so much hurry.

Ah, but I hope we will be granted the time we need. There is no point hurrying to leave if you know that you only have limited chances to give your loved ones the hug and the assuring words that would comfort them till it's their turn. It would be selfish to just leave. In fact (I mean, based on experience) when time draws near, we find it easy to forgive and forget. Arguments do not last long and we become more open in expressing our thoughts and emotions. But why is it that we only learn to really connect at the last hour? Worse, some would keep fighting till the end. So much for pride. Tsk.

Closing time forces us to start thinking about the essence of life. It is only when we realize how valued and valuable our life is, or the life of our dearly departed was, that we are able to accept that the end has come.  

LUMIèRE

Front seat. Cool breeze from the car's airconditioning unit. Mellow music bringing flashes of the younger, lighter-burdened former life. Moving slowly through heavy traffic, giddy after every landmark crossed over. The destination is still so far but at least the flow is forward. Much like trying to leave the not-so-good-recent-past behind. More of getting over memories of unfortunate events. 

Finally, a clear path lay ahead. I suddenly feel the space around me. (how do you feel something that is not there? perhaps emptiness transcends beyond the senses huh?) Ahh, now I have more room to be at ease. I have a clear, wide-angled view of the future, err, of the road ahead, of where I am supposed to go, of where I should be. What a perfect moment to chillax!

But who am I fooling? It is obviously not the right time yet. The bad memory is still fresh in the trash bin of my mind...cool breeze becomes too cold for comfort...punk music whose lyrics almost sounded indecipherable messed up the reflective mood...bleak...gloomy...then there was light!

Lamp post by the Bay
Roxas Boulevard, Malate, Manila 2009

It is amazing to witness the lighting up of streetlights at dusk*. They seem insignificant at first, with the sun still above the horizon. But they are the epitome of preparedness. For when dark time comes, they know they will matter. They are like shining, shimmering stars lighting up the whole, dark world. Like a glimmer of hope, a ray of sunshine after a devastating thunderstorm - the saving grace no one has the right to but so deserved, the buoyancy when you are densest, a clear road on a traffic-laden trip, that which is supposed to be at the end of the tunnel.

God listens after all.

Maybe it is not too much to ask.

And, as always, He never lets us down.

Maybe the brighter tomorrow that is so desperately sought after is not years, but just moments away.

Much  like the crazy idea of streetlights turning on before darkness consumes the earth.

He knows what we need before we even ask. He knows us well to rescue us even before we sense danger.

Sunshine. Lightning. A smile. A heartbeat. A much-needed spark. A very valuable resource.

No need to shout to be taken out of the dark; He knows we do not want to be there. 

*QUESTION:
How do streetlights turn on automaticaly at night?

ANSWER:
On the Flintstones, a small bird sits inside the light and turns it on every night before he goes to bed.
Read more...

THE PAIN OF THE GAME

SURRENDER
Batulao, 2001

When you painfully lose, do you  stay and try again, or quit and start an entirely new game? 

When you are so stressed out, is it alright to give up? 

I am in great pain physically and emotionally. Though I can still joke around, wander about while laughing out loud and genuinely offer smile to comfort others, I am haunted by the saddening thoughts residing at the back of my mind and the negativities pulling me deep into the bottom of my heart. I cannot even help myself from looking back (literally and figuratively) even if my stiff neck and frozen shoulder regretfully remind me so. I guess I am not yet over my dead body. Yes, I died. I died my way to a better post due to the hulabaloos from last month. 

Now on my way to resurrection, I am confronted by the same can't-wake-up-from nightmares. No matter how blame-worthy the rest of the world is, I always have to take the stand and express the conviction of a blame-neutral person and work towards the greater good (at whose advantage, I do not specifically know). It does not matter even if I have to be responsible for something beyond my grasp. It would not count even if I did my best. It still will not be good enough.

Am I there yet? Take a break? Break down? 

Ahh...but I know I cannot give up. For someone like me, there is just no sense stopping. I may break down, I may burst out (into tears), I may go deep down, sometimes even under all the weight of the burden, but I always have to stand up. I was designed (and designated) to be stronger than steel. I always have to carry on. My only options are to move on, or go up, up and away. Whichever I choose, I know that I will always be at the losing end. But history proves I have been emerging as a winner even if I may have whined along the way. I have been a warrior despite being weak. I have been a fighter inspite of several tempting instances to flee.

Maybe that is just it. With life's constant ups and downs, I would need more than an accepting heart. My frail body needs to be stronger. My thoughts have to be more than powerful to overcome anxieties, uncertainties and other complications. My most powerful weapon would be the power of mind, and all I can depend on is the miracle brought about by faith, and trust in the Highest. 

I have limited tools.

But I will get by because this is my game.

So I will keep running to infinity and beyond,

 and when laid to rest after all my battles, 

to my own happily ever after.

Contributor:

The Biggest Loser Who Never Ceases Hoping

IDEAS ROLLING IN THE DEEP

I badly need a mind reader that is capable of recording thoughts and words by simple contact, or transmission through "brain" signals, one that would come in as handy as an iPhone. 

I passed on many chances for immortalizing stories and conversations simply because I was not equipped enough with tools needed to record them for sharing, or safe-keeping. Most of the time, my memory does not serve me right, or does not serve me at all, so I am not able to keep track of all those beautiful ideas springing from tête-à-têtes.

Pauses for reflection aide me in keeping my sanity. I am not a very expressive (also not-so-outgoing) individual but I love thoughts and ideas. I can keep up with reading and could spend the same (sometimes even longer) amount of time  just staring blankly at a wall  allowing my mind to wander and explore various contemplation points. I guess, even when I am asleep, those thoughts keep rolling, tumbling down the deepest convolutions of my brain.

The problem with loving the intangible is that they are not for keeps. Maybe not for me. Even if I can successfully detect those signals (aka information, data, etc. interfering constructively with my brain waves), I can only retain a little percentage of them. After grazing my thought-center, they readily fly away. I consider myself lucky enough if I am able to associate those ideas with concrete, physical reminders - makes it easier to recall, reminisce, or review the concepts resulting to more questions leading to either higher entertainment value or more confrontational analysis.

Have you ever sat down with someone and spent hours just talking about your faith? Have you ever been asked why God did not endow humans with the ability to read minds? Have you ever prompted to weigh your options between becoming an expert or a jack-of-all-trades? Have you ever exchanged text messages just to try to figure out what makes life so unfair, and whether you are a perfectionist or not? Have you ever stood so statue-like that you appeared peaceful and calm on the outside but full of turmoil in the inside because of conflicting views?

Overthinking? Symptoms of lunacy? I don't think so. (please agree, or else I am doomed haha!) I find these quite challenging to deal with but I welcome opportunities like them with open arms. I find these not only amusingly meaningful (who wouldn't?) but self-assuring also. Sometimes, it is when you are confronted with the out-of-ordinary questions that you get to know yourself better.

Conversations with God when thoughts are most honest, and expressions are most spontaneous. Out-of-the-blue, thought-provoking, sometimes self-incriminating* question-and-answer sessions. Clever and creative theories which eventually become inspiration for inventions. Philosophical one- or two-liners which make one exclaim "aha!"** Dialogues with someone which help build your own beliefs in life. These are only a few of those that I want to keep in mind, in categorized boxes, if possible. I would like to be able to retrieve them instantly as well.

So please, if you know where to get one of the above, much-wanted gadget, please pm me. I did a research and this is the closest to it that I have found: An Australian invention that turns your thoughts into words. There is also a mind-reading helmet which enables you to direct your bike through brain signals. A friend shared yet another invention I found really amazing. It is Google's New Glasses.

(c) Google

There. Let us wait for these gadgets to touch home base, and let see if those mind-boggling ideas could still roll in the deep. ;-)

-------------------------------
*tough questions need tough answers = getting your innermost thoughts out in the open
**AHA = Ahh, I see. Hmm, I agree. Aye, you're good! Genius!

MY ONLY HOPE

Almost a year ago, we bade farewell. But it seems that a year hasn't passed at all. I still remember you. Though I may not be able to instantly recall details of the moments we shared, rest assured that they are deep within my system. So here is to commemorate your first year away from what you considered second home, to celebrate  your successful freshman year, and to somehow lead you back to where we first, and last, met and greeted each other. Vous me manquez, Hope!

(The following is an excerpt of a story I told those who wanted to know how it had been with you. I have not been able to give the speech before we parted ways . I hope this somehow makes up for it. ;-)

------------------------------

Which class is...?

Loud. Rowdy. Generally late in submitting requirements. Insolent (1). Audacious. Unsympathetic. Defiant. Very Challenging.

Yes. If you have met them in person, even for once in your life, those clues are more than enough for you to make a very good guess. You might be ecstatic if you will be able to guess it right. But I will be sad. Being able to correctly identify the class using those clues only means that they are very effective in making themselves famous...though not in a good way.

HOPE.

Heaven On Planet Earth. (2)

Again...Again...

HOPE.

Help. Oh Please Explain...(3)

Perhaps my greatest achievement as a mother duck for the school year was living and dealing with once-tagged (almost) hopeless Hope, and successfully staying alive and kicking up until graduation time.

I have never been as busy as a bee in my entire advising experience. My ten-minute homeroom period meetings with them were not sufficient - it was like each one in the class needed one-on-one interaction! Even teachers individually met with me for class concerns (you know, the usual noise, non-submission, non-compliance, aggression, non-performance, lacking or wrong uniform, etc.) Though most of them were easy to deal with, some put me to the test. Though they were fun to be with, their liveliness sometimes ate me alive (I was just lucky to have been resurrected every time).



photo from B119

But maybe Hope and I were meant to be together. Maybe Hope happened so that my experience will be made more complete. Their notoriety made the task more challenging. But do not get me wrong. They were not monsters or anything like that. They were Tin Men with hearts (4).

Together, we achieved many good things. We participated in school activities such as the school Fair and the Charity Fair. The class had the highest number of volunteers for the Immersion activity with SASS (although not all were allowed to go) -- the seemingly irresponsible, undependable students interacted well with, and willingly did the household chores for, their "foster families" (even trying all their might not to shout out loud with an ipis (5) in sight). Walang arte. Just pure intention to learn coupled with energy and effort to help. Oh, it was such a beauty to behold...a revelation, a realization that made me smile all the more. I was bursting with pride!

Hope made me laugh. But they made me ache, too! There were times when I felt like a failure for having the least amount of donations for the 12 Days of Christmas Project, for having the least number of attendees to the 75th Foundation Eucharistic Celebration, for receiving a number of SBF's and AFUF's and just one C4 Seal...but somewhere along the road, someone told me, Have a Little Faith (6)...the book's last line was..."I am in love with HOPE."

Sr. Irene (do you still remember her?) once related that priests are there to take care of their ministry, like how God takes care of His people. She said that perhaps, Hope is a ministry. I remember responding: "I think their priest wants to go on leave." But I remained. Hope and I labored together. Hope and I failed together. Hope and I experienced things together. Hope and I made memories together.

Now, I only have gratitude for the year that was - happy and proud that all of Hope graduated without a hassle (no one for removal examinations, yey!) and all of them with a college to go to. Perhaps it was just a matter of time, and of getting to know them better that ended the year well. They may have been all that was described up (^) there. But there is more to them than what meets the eye and ears. The Tin Men are lovable (with all their varied and various qualities) and loving beings. Call it tough, but I never really expected to have such affection for them. For me, it the greatest love.....err....achievement of all!

(c) M.O. 2011

-----------------------------------
(1) One Friday afternoon, in the library, where some of the Hopefuls and I were huddled in one table...
      English Teacher: *mad*shouting* "Ms. Tan, your class is so insolent!"
      Me: *puzzled*frozen*distressed* "Sorry, Ms."
      Audience (library-goers): *shocked*

(2) Adopted from the class of Hope Batch 2004

(3) Thought bubble: "Why was I assigned to this class again? Hmmm, let's see..." 

(4) Tin Men = Tin's Men? Haha! Hello president TinYu!  :D

(5) cockroach; ipis just sounds better

(6) Have A Little Faith is a novel by Mitch Albom. Nice read!