EMO-NESS! ;-p

STRANGER SMILE

(March 11, 2007)

When you are alone and lonely, it will take faith much bigger than a mustard seed (that which could move mountains) to make you smile. Yes, even the people you love would encounter difficulty at cheering you up sometimes. That is why it is a blissful experience when the answer lies with very small things, gestures and surprisingly, most of the weird times, from strangers. I was walking down loneliness' road one moment in time when an alien, attracting not only my attention asked me to cheer up. Well, that went without any word spoken. He was simply very entertaining. He was singing out loud, trying out the new magic sing and he made me laugh out loud. Amazing is it not?

HAPI MEANS

(May 18, 2007)

I am dancing in the rain, what a glorious feeling. I am happy again...happy again huh? Nah, not really. I guess no one can be a master of being happy all by himself. But it also does not mean that a lone person feels awful all the time. People are happy when they are with their friends (some, with few good friends, have learned the trick that unhappy individuals enjoying each others' company create bursts of laughter and one great amazing scene.) People are happy when at home (next to being in the company of buddies, enjoying the comforts of being home alone - having your privacy, playing games with unlimited time, reading your favored books and/or movie-marathoning.) Though peace and quiet combined do not always equate to happiness, having the chance to talk to Him while enjoying a beautiful sight, while singing out your heart in praise of Him, when relieved of worries and anxieties you have been solely burdened with are truly blissful moments that could make your day. Happiness comes in various forms, from various sources and it is really all up to us to pick the best one out of the many and bring them out for others to see and feel as well. But though we can't be happy all the time, a promise to smile forever would always do the trick!

GET LOST

(May 22, 2007)

Some people say that you do not know what you have until you lose it. But is really not like that. You always know what you have; you just never thought that you would lose it. I used to live a sheltered life, but fate intervened so here I am, close to being a hermit - living on my own in my 5th residence, miles away from home. Way back in time, I had the love of my life. I always believed that the only future was one with him. I was young then. I could still recall just how painful it was when we tried going our separate ways. We have learned the lesson and promised not to quarrel again, to be more understanding next time, but here I am - alone! I once had a techie gadget more precious than what I wished for, so precious that guarding it with almost my life guaranteed our togetherness forevermore but now it's gone. I remember way back a long time ago when a few very good people made a pact of holding on to each other till the rest of the journey - look now, I am heading for my destination with a company unknown to me before. Life is so amazing that you would believe it could be forever. But God has His way of making us realize that what matters most is that we have loved, and that in this world, it is only He who we could have for everlasting.

TORN APART

(June 3, 2007)

It has been more than a week and I have been torn for almost the same time now. I did not cry. I knew I was strong enough. It breaks my heart seeing Mama disabled. It breaks my heart even more being at home without her. I miss her voice, her whines, her touch. I really miss Mama's tender loving care. I miss her so much. And I miss her more because I know that things are not going to be the same as before. I wish I could have called more often, wish I could have stayed, wish I could have embraced Mama tighter and longer. Mama's not going to be back...and I feel really sorry for Shoti - that he is going through this pain at a young age. It's like he is being forced to mature. I am leaving again soon and it tears me apart all the more. If only Mama could speak, I am sure she will bid for me to stay longer but I know that she will understand - she has always been the understanding kind...

STAGNATION

(August 11, 2007)

Wasted. Fact. Mean. Why is it so hard to understand thyself? Thou hast been so beyond thy worst existence. The Good Man may have some explanation, but being the only and last resort, thine heart desires it least. The present requires of thou to not remain oblivious. Thou hast choices and decisions are deemed essential for the realization of what seems to be so real. Hate thyself, thou shall not. Be patient and kind. In the long run, He shall call for you to come, maybe even without ruptures. Thou shall be prepared. Thou shall be ready to face the Great Judge.

Have you ever been to some-when in time when all you did was lie down and let time pass you by? Or those times when you allowed yourself to be idle and just let boredom get the best of you? Well, those are perfect moments for stagnation. Welcome aboard! Deep in my heart though, I long for a spark. I want to act. I want to do something worthwhile but even "mind over matter" is not functional anymore. Maybe my sane mind has given up long ago...and without that spark, my heart may stop beating soon. i know I am doomed. But what can I do? Surely, I need help. But from what and from whom? I have no idea...ugh! Remember what He said about serving to be happy? Yeah, oh yeah! Maybe that is why I am not happy. Maybe I need to serve...oh my mind's failing me...beat oh heart...and do not ever cease...

Wishing you faith that someone in everyday there will be warm and peaceful moments for you to cherish...

Wishing you hope to hold to in bad times and encouragement with every sign of progress...

Wishing you love to surround you every minute, every hour, everyday...

MELISJAMIE - A Tale of Two Names

(This is in response the many questions about the origin of my email address, when identity crisis during puberty as an answer does not suffice ;-)

I was in high school when I started having my own set of friends...my own set of imaginary friends. The very first ones had the same qualities/ characteristics with me. I was innately smile-y/ cheerful so when I was thinking of names for my "friends" I chose Smile. But it was so obvious in the sense that no one would ever be named like that...it would make my friend less real. I trie dtinkering with the name...until finally, I got Silem, my alter ego...and Melis - a friend who represents the lady in me. Melis embodied the Ania who is mature, demure, so lady-like. I was afraid of growing up before. I was afraid of being responsible even for my own self. I was afraid of being matured. I loved being a child that is why I'm hodling to being young-at-heart until now...enjoying a care-free life. There were times however when I was forced to act and think and move and decide maturely so I summon Melis to stay with me and show me how to get through those "rough" times.

With my survival kit (in a backpack containing a flashlight, some chips, a pen and my journal), I would sneak to the nearby beach during my younger years to be with my friends. I talked to them...but nt orally though...I kept a jornal...my friends did not respond in writing...I just knew their thoughts, their feelings. The more I wrote on my journal, the more imaginary friends I got. During those moments of being alone, I started sppreciating music, songs, sound in general. They motivated me to write...they helped me in effortlessly creating my friends...(but where's Jamie here?) I used Jamie though she is not among my i-friends because I was inspired by her (Jamie Rivera's) songs before. I loved her voice and her music...well, that was before i met her in person...everything chas changed, even with my i-friends...she failed me...and my busy-ness searated me from my regular beach visits, even from my regular journal writing which was my only venue of meeting up with my i-friends...but i cannot change my email add anymre...it is good to last.

DOON PO SA MERRY-VELES!

(Akda noong ika-25 ng Mayo,2009, alay para sa mga Kulot na bahagi na ng aking buhay. Kami'y naglakbay nang malayo at sa kanila'y nakipamuhay. Sinong mag-aakalang ang ilang araw naming pamamalagi sa kanilang munting pamayanan ay magiging napakagandang karanasang kailanma'y di malilimutan? Sana'y sa susunod naming pagdalaw, makasama ka kaibigan! :)

DOON PO SA MARIVELES

Noong una ako'y takot, may pangamba sa puso't isipan

Kaya't mga naunang paanyaya'y di ko pinaunlakan

Subalit sa kagustuhang mapayaman ang karanasan

Naglakas-loob akong immersion ay subukan.

Sa kabundukan sa Bataan, ako'y nanirahan

Kasama nina Nanay at kids sa kanilang munting tahanan

Maraming mahalagang bagay akong natutunan

Mga aral na panghahawakan ko magpakailanman.

Sa Upper Bia-an,walang

mahirap, walang mayaman

At mapabundok man o karagatan, sagana sa yamang-kalikasan

Nakakatuwang-isiping sa kanila'y walang ganid o gahaman

Totoo sa prinsipyong kumuha lang ng sapat sa pangangailangan

Sa sandaling pagdalaw, ako'y nasiyahan

Tunay na pakikipagkapwa'y aking naranasan

Ngunit higit sa lahat, aking natutuna't naramdaman

Ang ugat ng ligaya'y simpleng pamumuhay, kaibigan.

Pag-aaruga sa kapwa'y dapat na walang pag-aalinlangan

Maging kulot, unat, maitim o maputi ka pa man.

Paggalang, pagbibigayan, pagkakaisa't pagkakapatiran

Sa lahat ng panaho'y ipamalas, tanda ng wagas na pagmamahalan.

Ang mga Aetang nagpatuloy sa aki'y lubos kong hinahangaan

Sila'y parang mga anghel sa kalangitan

Tama nga't totoo ang minsan ng tinuran

"Kung anong itim ng balat nila'y siyang puti ng puso nila sa kabusilakan"

Ako'y umuwing malungkot at luhaan

Subalit hindi dahil ako'y naloko o sinaktan

Mga Aetang ginigiliw na dati'y di ko matingnan

Aking mami-miss at siguradong babalik-balikan!

Kumusta po? :-)

MAY MULTO! GISING!

Ang tagal na grabe!

(Kaya ayan...halos di mo masimulan...)

Ang dami nang temang pumasok sa iyong isipan....ang dami nang mga pagkakataong ganito ang iyong pinalampas....paano ka nga naman magsisimulang muli kung ang dating gawaing kinagigiliwan ay iyo nang nakalimutan at ngayo'y parang ng isang tinik sa lalamunan?

Mabuti na lamang at may mga panahong ganito: gigising kang may multo sa isip...at sa tabi mo! Bahala ka na kung aling multo ang pagbibigyan mo, at kung paano - maari kasing pumikit ka na lamag hanggang sa mawalan ka ng malay, o kumaripas ka ng takbo patungo sa kung saang di mo alam o kaya'y bumangon at harapin ang multong tila sumusundo sa'yo.

Ngayo'y wala kang magawa kundi sumunod...maaring sadyang nakakatakot ang multong hinarap mo at natalo ka sa laban, o kaya nama'y napilitan kang makipagkasundo para sa pansarili na ring katahimikan...ayos! Sa wakas, wala na ring paglalabanan!

Kung tutuusin, sa dami ng maaring pag-usapan, madali lang sana ang balikan ang nakagisnan...hindi naman nga 'yon basta-basta nawawala sa puso, damdami't isipan. Kaunting pagmumuni-muni lang, may maisusulat ka nang makabuluhan. Subalit, sa dahilang ang mga iyon ay bahagi na ng nakaraan, puspusang konsentrasyon pa rin ang kailangan, mahabang panahon ang gugulin bago pa man maibalik ang mga ideyang kapag nailathala'y maituturing na palaisipan.

Haay! May multo! Gising na, kaibigan!

ARAW ng KALAYAAN

I am FREE!

Happy Independence Day, people!

I had FUN today. I breathed in super fresh air, and though our lunch was way delayed, I feasted on freshly-picked fruits - just one of the many blessings that I got today. It was so nice seeing people who miss you more than you miss them. It was great dipping my clay-laden feet (err, sandals) into cool, clear waters. It was exciting to take pictures of awesome view, and innocent faces and poses. 

But just like achieving the state of freedom (?) experiencing all the heartwarming events did not come without a price. Oh well, challenges and obstacles and hardships are essential to the realization of a worthy goal. The fun did not falling upon us as naturally, as normally as raindrops would. I had to get off to de-load the trike, and push with all my might to get it out of the mud. I had to prepare myself earlier than the usual waking-up time - which meant taking tap-water bath at 4 am). I had to walk with heavy feet because of the mud stuck to my sandals and my legs were heavily decorated with lumps and specks of the sticky loam.

In the end, what I have achieved today was worth all the effort and energy spent. I saw the majestic views and captured them for life. I saw the greeneries and was refreshed. I had gallons of fresh air, enough to cleanse me whole and treat my H1N1 symptoms. I was able to bond with three beautiful people - be with them and share thoughts with them, worked for and achieved the same goal with them and learned from them. Most importantly, I saw the people of the community smile and felt their warm welcome. Their love and care which I was afraid I have already lost was readily felt. 

Words are not enough to express how grateful I am for the gift of today. I may have felt heavenly when our 7-man mission shrank to a 4-team group, but thinking of it now, I believe I am both lucky and blessed. Though it may sound a bit overrated but it was really a joy to be able to reach out to people whilst overcoming some difficulties. Ha! We (my friends and I) were not threatened by the early morning downpour of rain (correspondingly cats and dogs). This day is as liberating as independence day the first time.

Scroll down for some more information :D

On the road (less) traveled :P

Tzi and I with our foster parents

Dressing up after the chasing game

Our little friends :)

I missed my loved ones today. I lost the chance to rest and enjoy the holiday. I missed the opportunity to be the official photographer to my bestfriend's store opening. But they did not dare disturb me while I was away. They did not make me feel like I am missing anything. I am secured that though I did not prioritize them, they will always be there to care for and support me. Now, that is another freeing feeling!