CLAIMED: DONE and DID IT!

I am wiriting this on the first day of my second chance with the third major project I am working on. This would be present tense in the future. (that is, written in the past, published today which is present, which at the time of writing was the future...hmmm...I know you get it. ;-)  (Tenses might be confusing: bear with me).

Since I was forced to set goals and hit them, I have claimed early on that I will, err, I have already achieved what I am expected to. I proclaim that gloomy days are over.  I have conquered a challenge which has kept me imprisoned for so long a time. I just actually celebrated with food and friends who were with me through the trials. Today is great - much better than a brand new day!

I still recall what my coach told me about the options I had: whether to stay with a bang, or leave with a slam. Easy pick. But we all know that it is not as easy as choosing which shirt to wear or which donut to eat . I was lucky enough to have been backed-up by him who was willing to take a big risk just to bring out the best in me. I told him, why are you betting all your eggs on an almost-dead frog like me? His answer was simple, albeit, inspirational and has been the crux for all events proceeding. That was a serious talk but for the sake of not getting too serious, he masked his speech -for all intents and purposes -with quotations sounding like "you got me at hello", or "help me help you."

For three straight months I have given 99% of my all (yes, still human) towards achieving the goal of graduating from cap. (For those who know, you know what I mean. For those who do not, send me a pm haha!). I prayed so hard that maybe even the heavens got deaf. I raised cheerfulness to the highest level even if it meant smiling alone (ie, facing a machine whilst interacting with a human voice). My favorite "yay!" has lengthened and has been expressed with much more emphasis with time. Yes, I have considered my member's triumphs to be my victories as well. I shun 99% (ahem) of negative vibes by allowing myself to be entertained by bullies, twins, breakouts, covert affairs, undesirable pear shapes, attractive gay people, out-of-comfort-zone mini-trips, occasional non-routinary adventures, triumphant disputes, special access to tools and scripts, and other such things that made mundane everydays into emotion-filled heavy days (erase the negative connotation associated with "emotion"...those were mostly happy days).

Ahh! The taste of freedom is in my hands. The bitter-sweet memory of the recent past is summed up by the figures on my scorecard. YAY! I did it! Hoooooraaay! (Now just for laughs, because we are all happy here, imagine me dancing the Gangnam style hahaha!)

But more than graduating and promotions and all the rewards I will be getting, the past three months have taught me about resilience in the face of adversity, humilty through victories, and honesty in the midst of all constructs of reality the business world has exposed me to. The long time I have given in getting to where I am right now is just a breeze compared to how much others have spent-much like blooming later, or being retarded. I may have learned the hard way, but as they say, all is well that ends well. ;-)

I have only gratitude for all those who helped me make it through. My mentor who considered my end-of-the-world thoughts often silly has never tired of encouraging me while at the same time posing mini-challenges for me to achieve - much like taking it part by part, one step at a time. My bestfriend, who may have been tormented by my random more-often-than-not expressions of fears, failures and faults, has been so supportive and has been a source of extra energy to  go on. My special someone has always been by my side -physically or not - his presence is my life. My family - well, you know what families usually do in times of crisis. ;-)

It is not really a major major feat - more of a little big kind of thing. The future will never be less challenging just because I have overcome this major hurdle. Surprises will not always bring joy. Smiles will fade when things would be so much to bear. The random, silly expressions will have a new edition.What matters most is that we keep on fighting, praying, and hoping that someday, somehow, we will be where we are destined to be.

The COVETED VANISHING ACT

Sigh.

Where do you go to hide?
They say you can run, but you can never hide.
Whew! What a dreadful situation!
Would it be easier to just take the blows?
Much like taking charge and owning up to it.
It would be quite a challenge to establish a sense of peace and freedom, no matter how temporary.

You can run, but you can never hide.
Where is the comfort in that?

Am I just so naive?
Either that, or I am immune beyond repair.
I hear about it. I see it. I guess, I know about it.
And it makes me guilty of betrayal every time I utter something about it.
Much like adding insult to perceived injury.

I do not consider myself defenseless though.
For one, I am not directly involved in the hulabaloo that is the mysterious vanishing act.
It is something so complicated that I would be more comfortable knowing Squidward is capable of suicide.
~ ~ ~ ~
It is actually not my business.
But maybe time has come that it has gone out of control.
Whether the current situation is liked or not, there is no more turning back.
Now is the time when the only way forward is to let it out, vie for justice and forgiveness.
Then move on without anything from the dark past.
Because dodging ill thoughts is not even an option.

All the same, involved or not, it feels like I am drawn, weighed down, burdened.
Gone are those days when I could easily shrug thoughts of it off my mind.
I tried so hard to reinvent the wheel of stories but to no avail.
It  has gone too obvious to be ignored.

Incorrigible. Irredeemable. Incomprehensible. 


Why, oh why?
(c) Google

I have been warned.
Am I just adamant to face the shock this culture is exposing me to?
Am I too childish to opt to remain oblivious just so I ain't be bothered by vicarious liability?
Am I so self-righteous to accept the ugly truth that beings with innate goodness and in the right mind are capable of screwing things up?
Am I so wrapped in my own happy bubble that I am not able to at least get a good grasp of the overwhelming indicators that shout out "this is for real, it is happening!"?

Help me.
I am confused as ever.
ACT? or just VANISH?

ONLY ONCE, NOT TWICE

The past week showed off with second chances coming only once in a lifetime.

Business meetings not happening translated to zero income, negative market value, return of investment happening over an extended period of time.

One roundabout of the seconds hand spelled out the difference between success and failure. Twenty-nine more rounds distingusihed loyalty and trustworthiness from irresponsibility, unrealiability and, sometimes, unfaithfulness.

Going the extra mile is not anymore intended for excellence, not even satisfaction, but merely for coming in terms with the minimum expectations.

Catching of breath is an understatement. The closer I get to the goal, the more I realize how very little time I have left as every second counts as precious as life support.

Missing-in-action. Miscalculations. Misdemeanor. Mis-judgement (if there is such a word). It seems like the world is so strict and stern that mistakes are not allowed. Commit, with full awareness or none, and you will definitely have regrets if you fail to deliver. As they say, ignorance of the law excuses no one.

The very recent past has put me into a coma state. Maybe due to the irregular hibernating pattern, maybe due to the foreign substance I have been voluntarily ingesting, or simply, maybe to the mundane cycle that life is--where challenges are many, and triumphs are overrated.

How do you deal with tomorrows when you failed doing something in the past? Would that tomorrow be entirely different than what you are supposed to have (and enjoy)? How will you live in the present if the past haunts you with undeniable guilt and regret for failing to do the basics?

Yes! Admit it.
For once, or twice, or even more than thrice in your life (or, maybe just for mine), you have been subjected to the torture brought about by time not favoring your side. This event is camouflaged by the big T, which in layman's terms - or in handbooks, rule books for companies, schools and other institutions - is identified, defined and described as the act of tardiness.

Imagine: CLASPED HANDS while praying for your bestbuddy - the machine - to boot up quickly so you can pull up your tools before your first client for day while your HEART BEATS at double the normal rate while your catching up through DEEP or short, quick BREATHS while you are frantically wiping PERSPIRATION off your WORRIED FACE while thinking about RESTroom trips while considering REGRETS for not acting earlier while doing your best to get rid of the PANIC-ky feeling consuming your whole being. UTTER CHAOS! By then, you would have already formed a to-do list, if not an advanced new year's resolution, so as to be confidently and comfortably early the next day.

Lucky you if you a have a very understanding bestfriend who waits for you and tells you to take your time whenever you are late for a date.
Lucky you if you have an accommodating supervisor who dodges official written reprimands for a few instances of being late.
Lucky for you if you are not racing against a last full show, or the last mass, or the last trip, for you will always have the chance to take the next one.


(c) Google Images


But life is not life without its share of uncertainties and unfortunate events. Hauling back home a car-load of luggages and big B boxes just because you missed the flight just because you were tardy is too much to think about, what more to bear. Although my once-upon-a-time tardiness has put me right in the center orchestra for the Miss Saigon show (ie, instead of in the balcony with my classmates who had the same discounted ticket as mine), taking chances with time is like expecting miracles to happen everyday, and as you wish.

It is true that we cannot ALWAYS be at the right place at the right time. And sometimes, being at the wrong place at the right time is a moment as precious as having a second chance at life.

Tardiness has caused me so much distress to the point of being under duress. With a few instances, I have endured the shameful, guilty feeling and the physical discomfort. It is so easy to feel horrible for not living up to basic expectations. But truth be told, I do not have total control of how events involving myself will unfold. (think of manong fx driver who reasonably prioritizes income over arrival time, or an unanticipated super-heavy traffic).

Looking at the brighter side, I have learned to be kinder not only to myself, but to others as well who/which, in one way or another, have contributed to my tardiness count, or for those who have made me wait. I have come to accept that whatever happens, happens for a reason - this widens the horizon by making me more understanding of the situation, more forgiving for it makes me humble, more patient and more hopeful and excited for the next chance to do better. Knowing that there is always a tomorrow to makeup certainly makes you look forward to it. Just do not get stuck with always "looking forward". Habitual tardiness is never an option.

So if you get stuck* and is running late, just live with it. Love the slow motion life that gives you a chance to smell the flowers. And, if worse comes to worst, learn to laugh at it! Ciao!


*getting stuck is meant to mean having done all your best but to no avail.

TIME CHECK: The PAST O'CLOCK

In the midst of searching for a very important document (which is the subject of another article in the collection), I happen to chance upon drafts of missives I have shared and distributed to people of my past (for I do not have any inkling as to where and how they are as of the moment.

It was almost summertime if my recollection is right. It was time to bid goodbye and time to fill the gap with moments worth keeping.  Between the recent end and the upcoming, fast approaching, new beginning is a gap so void-like that uncertainties, anxieties and wishful thoughts race their way to fill it up. I am sure that everyone was able to survive the flash flood. I believe all of us were able to move on and forward.

Herein I include samples of what transpired during the interim separation. Let them be food for your recollection. I wonder where these have led the recipients to. I wonder how far these have moved them so. I felt a lil twinge when I read through. Haha! I felt so detached from the one who was the source who was the author who is me. Has the gap eaten me alive? I hope not. J

(Recipients are not actually named for security and privacy reasons…if you know what I mean ;-)

DRAFT 1:

Dearest Jane,

Are you, in any way, related to Veronica? She really looks just like you! Your long-lost sister maybe....haha! I hope the first lines made your imagination work (a bit). I really admire your artworks and Ms. Art Teacher is so proud of you. I am too! I hope that you keep up the good work and keep improving your craft. Invite me to your exhibit ha? You know how to contact me. Godbless in your endeavours! May this picture help inspire you. Go and make the world a more beautiful place! J

Queenstown 2009

DRAFT 2:

Dearest Joyce,

My fondest memory of you would be the moments when you simply allowed me to call you Joyce, even with the smirk on your face hahaha! I know we have not “bonded” that often but I always feel your presence in the classroom, even without words said, heard, or noticed. J Thank you for the smile, and for being easy to be with. This picture is of a Makahiya plant...its leaves would shy away when touched. Interestingly amazing, ayt? Just like you – with your mystifying smile! :D May you continue to spread the love with your candidness, sincerity and amiability. Till we meet again! God bless you!

Queenstown 2009

DRAFT 3:

Dearest Veronica,

You are ‘small but terrible’, quiet but with a voice so powerful!

You have amazed me in many counts; for your presence, I am grateful! 

For the very supportive gestures in early morning sessions,

For the easy smile and undivided attention during discussions,

For the hand-drawn bulletin board decoration,

Merci mademoiselle, yours is my admiration.

Queenstown 2009

DRAFT 4:

Dearest Isabel,

Since that afternoon when you hypothesized that I was an anti-matter kind of creation, I have been so relieved...I thought I was weird, but I found out you are a bit weirder than I am! That makes me more normal. Bwahaha! :D  I hope, though, that you were able to gather enough information through the year to finally come up with a sound conclusion as to what I am really made of. J I will miss you and our “educational” banters. May this picture remind you that the world is so wide and that inquisitive beings like you will always find satisfaction in its material and immaterial realms. May you continue your exploration, enriching both you and your next “subject/s of inquiry”. Ask. Learn. Master. Share. God bless you!

Anawangin 2010

 

DRAFT 5:

Dearest Bernadette,

Time flies as fast as the golden snitch! It seems like I have just welcomed Older Sister to my Physics class, and now I am bidding you goodbye. :”(  But I believe we had time well spent. Thank you for reminding me that I can be (if not yet) young (younger than my age hahaha!) forever. Though we age with the Harry-Ron-Hermione gang, magic - in all its forms - will keep us at our best, that is, alive and kicking! You may not have the wand to call out “Reparo!” to undo mistakes, or “Lumos” to avoid getting in touch with the dark and dangerous elements of the world out there, but you have you and Him to win over the dementors. :) May this picture remind you of Hedwig, and all the wonders of the world. Stay young and excited. Make the world more wonder-ful with your magical presence! J

Baluarte 2009

I hope this reminiscing has brought back nothing but the happy memories of the past. For the meantime, may we all enjoy the beautiful, mysterious, amazing, wonderful and magical world where we belong. Ciao!

Yours truly,

TicToc J

CLOSING TIME

HEAVEN UP THERE?
Subic 2009

You are gone. You went ahead. You left me here. You broke my heart.

Worst, you chose to go when I was farthest from you - 

no goodbyes, no hugs, not even a smile. 

Did you cry? Were you afraid? Did you willingly let go?

Almost half a decade has passed and I still long for that one last moment.

Until now, I cannot muster enough strength to visit you.

I know that you know I have not completely let go. 

I have not even given myself time to mourn. I just simply moved on.

 I still feel you here - the sound of your laughter cheers me up, your words of wisdom,

the plans you thought of for the future you looked forward to - they guide me daily.

It will be difficult to go solo with the missions your selflessness has set.

I can only wish to be half as generous and as compassionate as you...

 In the end, I hope and pray that I'll make you proud, t'is my only way to thank you. 

And when it's my time, I know I will not miss you anymore.

When it's my time, I hope I'll see you there.

Then we can cry, and hug, and smile.

The first quarter of the year has been a witness to many good souls moving on to the next, or the other, side of life. Mysterious as it is, no one had any inkling as to when the time would happen. Learning about one's passsing brought us to a state of shock as we simultaneously felt the great loss and faced, if not accepted, the fact that there is nothing that we can do about it. Nature defeated us again by running its own course. 

Nothing compares to the pain due to the loss of a loved one. Aside from the emptiness felt, we have to move on and live as normally as possible until we reach the end of our own road. It is not a surprise then if others would rather go (with, or ahead) than be left behind. We pretend to be strong until the pretentions become real, we implement changes in our routine...but no mater how we try to go back on track, we know our lives will never be the same.

Our thoughts change. Our points of view either diverge, or converge depending on what we have been believing through our life time. Ironically, the happy memories shared with the dearly departed become stakes piercing the heart, making it bleed more.

Regrets. Longing. Remorse. Sadness. Episodes of crying out loud. Moments of silence. Quiet reflections. A daily companion once shared that, almost always, a person is changed for the better when the end draws near. Everyone suddenly has all the time to smell the flowers. Sadly, it is only then that we realize that flowers dominate the earth - too late to slow down. Oh, but just to see them from afar is sometimes good enough. Some who left never even learned that flowers exist. Worse, some only heard of them and were not given the chance to touch them for real.

Would we ever feel that it is almost time? Though it has been said that we will never, ever, be ready, but if premonitions* are true for all, will we have enough time to make sure we have accomplished our individual mission/s before departing? I am inclined to think that we will have our chance, only, maybe,  most of us would be in so much hurry.

Ah, but I hope we will be granted the time we need. There is no point hurrying to leave if you know that you only have limited chances to give your loved ones the hug and the assuring words that would comfort them till it's their turn. It would be selfish to just leave. In fact (I mean, based on experience) when time draws near, we find it easy to forgive and forget. Arguments do not last long and we become more open in expressing our thoughts and emotions. But why is it that we only learn to really connect at the last hour? Worse, some would keep fighting till the end. So much for pride. Tsk.

Closing time forces us to start thinking about the essence of life. It is only when we realize how valued and valuable our life is, or the life of our dearly departed was, that we are able to accept that the end has come.  

LUMIèRE

Front seat. Cool breeze from the car's airconditioning unit. Mellow music bringing flashes of the younger, lighter-burdened former life. Moving slowly through heavy traffic, giddy after every landmark crossed over. The destination is still so far but at least the flow is forward. Much like trying to leave the not-so-good-recent-past behind. More of getting over memories of unfortunate events. 

Finally, a clear path lay ahead. I suddenly feel the space around me. (how do you feel something that is not there? perhaps emptiness transcends beyond the senses huh?) Ahh, now I have more room to be at ease. I have a clear, wide-angled view of the future, err, of the road ahead, of where I am supposed to go, of where I should be. What a perfect moment to chillax!

But who am I fooling? It is obviously not the right time yet. The bad memory is still fresh in the trash bin of my mind...cool breeze becomes too cold for comfort...punk music whose lyrics almost sounded indecipherable messed up the reflective mood...bleak...gloomy...then there was light!

Lamp post by the Bay
Roxas Boulevard, Malate, Manila 2009

It is amazing to witness the lighting up of streetlights at dusk*. They seem insignificant at first, with the sun still above the horizon. But they are the epitome of preparedness. For when dark time comes, they know they will matter. They are like shining, shimmering stars lighting up the whole, dark world. Like a glimmer of hope, a ray of sunshine after a devastating thunderstorm - the saving grace no one has the right to but so deserved, the buoyancy when you are densest, a clear road on a traffic-laden trip, that which is supposed to be at the end of the tunnel.

God listens after all.

Maybe it is not too much to ask.

And, as always, He never lets us down.

Maybe the brighter tomorrow that is so desperately sought after is not years, but just moments away.

Much  like the crazy idea of streetlights turning on before darkness consumes the earth.

He knows what we need before we even ask. He knows us well to rescue us even before we sense danger.

Sunshine. Lightning. A smile. A heartbeat. A much-needed spark. A very valuable resource.

No need to shout to be taken out of the dark; He knows we do not want to be there. 

*QUESTION:
How do streetlights turn on automaticaly at night?

ANSWER:
On the Flintstones, a small bird sits inside the light and turns it on every night before he goes to bed.
Read more...

THE PAIN OF THE GAME

SURRENDER
Batulao, 2001

When you painfully lose, do you  stay and try again, or quit and start an entirely new game? 

When you are so stressed out, is it alright to give up? 

I am in great pain physically and emotionally. Though I can still joke around, wander about while laughing out loud and genuinely offer smile to comfort others, I am haunted by the saddening thoughts residing at the back of my mind and the negativities pulling me deep into the bottom of my heart. I cannot even help myself from looking back (literally and figuratively) even if my stiff neck and frozen shoulder regretfully remind me so. I guess I am not yet over my dead body. Yes, I died. I died my way to a better post due to the hulabaloos from last month. 

Now on my way to resurrection, I am confronted by the same can't-wake-up-from nightmares. No matter how blame-worthy the rest of the world is, I always have to take the stand and express the conviction of a blame-neutral person and work towards the greater good (at whose advantage, I do not specifically know). It does not matter even if I have to be responsible for something beyond my grasp. It would not count even if I did my best. It still will not be good enough.

Am I there yet? Take a break? Break down? 

Ahh...but I know I cannot give up. For someone like me, there is just no sense stopping. I may break down, I may burst out (into tears), I may go deep down, sometimes even under all the weight of the burden, but I always have to stand up. I was designed (and designated) to be stronger than steel. I always have to carry on. My only options are to move on, or go up, up and away. Whichever I choose, I know that I will always be at the losing end. But history proves I have been emerging as a winner even if I may have whined along the way. I have been a warrior despite being weak. I have been a fighter inspite of several tempting instances to flee.

Maybe that is just it. With life's constant ups and downs, I would need more than an accepting heart. My frail body needs to be stronger. My thoughts have to be more than powerful to overcome anxieties, uncertainties and other complications. My most powerful weapon would be the power of mind, and all I can depend on is the miracle brought about by faith, and trust in the Highest. 

I have limited tools.

But I will get by because this is my game.

So I will keep running to infinity and beyond,

 and when laid to rest after all my battles, 

to my own happily ever after.

Contributor:

The Biggest Loser Who Never Ceases Hoping

IDEAS ROLLING IN THE DEEP

I badly need a mind reader that is capable of recording thoughts and words by simple contact, or transmission through "brain" signals, one that would come in as handy as an iPhone. 

I passed on many chances for immortalizing stories and conversations simply because I was not equipped enough with tools needed to record them for sharing, or safe-keeping. Most of the time, my memory does not serve me right, or does not serve me at all, so I am not able to keep track of all those beautiful ideas springing from tête-à-têtes.

Pauses for reflection aide me in keeping my sanity. I am not a very expressive (also not-so-outgoing) individual but I love thoughts and ideas. I can keep up with reading and could spend the same (sometimes even longer) amount of time  just staring blankly at a wall  allowing my mind to wander and explore various contemplation points. I guess, even when I am asleep, those thoughts keep rolling, tumbling down the deepest convolutions of my brain.

The problem with loving the intangible is that they are not for keeps. Maybe not for me. Even if I can successfully detect those signals (aka information, data, etc. interfering constructively with my brain waves), I can only retain a little percentage of them. After grazing my thought-center, they readily fly away. I consider myself lucky enough if I am able to associate those ideas with concrete, physical reminders - makes it easier to recall, reminisce, or review the concepts resulting to more questions leading to either higher entertainment value or more confrontational analysis.

Have you ever sat down with someone and spent hours just talking about your faith? Have you ever been asked why God did not endow humans with the ability to read minds? Have you ever prompted to weigh your options between becoming an expert or a jack-of-all-trades? Have you ever exchanged text messages just to try to figure out what makes life so unfair, and whether you are a perfectionist or not? Have you ever stood so statue-like that you appeared peaceful and calm on the outside but full of turmoil in the inside because of conflicting views?

Overthinking? Symptoms of lunacy? I don't think so. (please agree, or else I am doomed haha!) I find these quite challenging to deal with but I welcome opportunities like them with open arms. I find these not only amusingly meaningful (who wouldn't?) but self-assuring also. Sometimes, it is when you are confronted with the out-of-ordinary questions that you get to know yourself better.

Conversations with God when thoughts are most honest, and expressions are most spontaneous. Out-of-the-blue, thought-provoking, sometimes self-incriminating* question-and-answer sessions. Clever and creative theories which eventually become inspiration for inventions. Philosophical one- or two-liners which make one exclaim "aha!"** Dialogues with someone which help build your own beliefs in life. These are only a few of those that I want to keep in mind, in categorized boxes, if possible. I would like to be able to retrieve them instantly as well.

So please, if you know where to get one of the above, much-wanted gadget, please pm me. I did a research and this is the closest to it that I have found: An Australian invention that turns your thoughts into words. There is also a mind-reading helmet which enables you to direct your bike through brain signals. A friend shared yet another invention I found really amazing. It is Google's New Glasses.

(c) Google

There. Let us wait for these gadgets to touch home base, and let see if those mind-boggling ideas could still roll in the deep. ;-)

-------------------------------
*tough questions need tough answers = getting your innermost thoughts out in the open
**AHA = Ahh, I see. Hmm, I agree. Aye, you're good! Genius!

MY ONLY HOPE

Almost a year ago, we bade farewell. But it seems that a year hasn't passed at all. I still remember you. Though I may not be able to instantly recall details of the moments we shared, rest assured that they are deep within my system. So here is to commemorate your first year away from what you considered second home, to celebrate  your successful freshman year, and to somehow lead you back to where we first, and last, met and greeted each other. Vous me manquez, Hope!

(The following is an excerpt of a story I told those who wanted to know how it had been with you. I have not been able to give the speech before we parted ways . I hope this somehow makes up for it. ;-)

------------------------------

Which class is...?

Loud. Rowdy. Generally late in submitting requirements. Insolent (1). Audacious. Unsympathetic. Defiant. Very Challenging.

Yes. If you have met them in person, even for once in your life, those clues are more than enough for you to make a very good guess. You might be ecstatic if you will be able to guess it right. But I will be sad. Being able to correctly identify the class using those clues only means that they are very effective in making themselves famous...though not in a good way.

HOPE.

Heaven On Planet Earth. (2)

Again...Again...

HOPE.

Help. Oh Please Explain...(3)

Perhaps my greatest achievement as a mother duck for the school year was living and dealing with once-tagged (almost) hopeless Hope, and successfully staying alive and kicking up until graduation time.

I have never been as busy as a bee in my entire advising experience. My ten-minute homeroom period meetings with them were not sufficient - it was like each one in the class needed one-on-one interaction! Even teachers individually met with me for class concerns (you know, the usual noise, non-submission, non-compliance, aggression, non-performance, lacking or wrong uniform, etc.) Though most of them were easy to deal with, some put me to the test. Though they were fun to be with, their liveliness sometimes ate me alive (I was just lucky to have been resurrected every time).



photo from B119

But maybe Hope and I were meant to be together. Maybe Hope happened so that my experience will be made more complete. Their notoriety made the task more challenging. But do not get me wrong. They were not monsters or anything like that. They were Tin Men with hearts (4).

Together, we achieved many good things. We participated in school activities such as the school Fair and the Charity Fair. The class had the highest number of volunteers for the Immersion activity with SASS (although not all were allowed to go) -- the seemingly irresponsible, undependable students interacted well with, and willingly did the household chores for, their "foster families" (even trying all their might not to shout out loud with an ipis (5) in sight). Walang arte. Just pure intention to learn coupled with energy and effort to help. Oh, it was such a beauty to behold...a revelation, a realization that made me smile all the more. I was bursting with pride!

Hope made me laugh. But they made me ache, too! There were times when I felt like a failure for having the least amount of donations for the 12 Days of Christmas Project, for having the least number of attendees to the 75th Foundation Eucharistic Celebration, for receiving a number of SBF's and AFUF's and just one C4 Seal...but somewhere along the road, someone told me, Have a Little Faith (6)...the book's last line was..."I am in love with HOPE."

Sr. Irene (do you still remember her?) once related that priests are there to take care of their ministry, like how God takes care of His people. She said that perhaps, Hope is a ministry. I remember responding: "I think their priest wants to go on leave." But I remained. Hope and I labored together. Hope and I failed together. Hope and I experienced things together. Hope and I made memories together.

Now, I only have gratitude for the year that was - happy and proud that all of Hope graduated without a hassle (no one for removal examinations, yey!) and all of them with a college to go to. Perhaps it was just a matter of time, and of getting to know them better that ended the year well. They may have been all that was described up (^) there. But there is more to them than what meets the eye and ears. The Tin Men are lovable (with all their varied and various qualities) and loving beings. Call it tough, but I never really expected to have such affection for them. For me, it the greatest love.....err....achievement of all!

(c) M.O. 2011

-----------------------------------
(1) One Friday afternoon, in the library, where some of the Hopefuls and I were huddled in one table...
      English Teacher: *mad*shouting* "Ms. Tan, your class is so insolent!"
      Me: *puzzled*frozen*distressed* "Sorry, Ms."
      Audience (library-goers): *shocked*

(2) Adopted from the class of Hope Batch 2004

(3) Thought bubble: "Why was I assigned to this class again? Hmmm, let's see..." 

(4) Tin Men = Tin's Men? Haha! Hello president TinYu!  :D

(5) cockroach; ipis just sounds better

(6) Have A Little Faith is a novel by Mitch Albom. Nice read!

THE ME & ME COMPANY

This is a secret: sometimes I am glad when he is gone.
Sometimes I enjoy being alone. It is like flying.

Maybe I have been living alone in the past and is so used to it that just a year of constant company sometimes feels suffocating. No offense meant - everybody knows I will not be complete without the company. It is just that sometimes, I prefer to have just-me-myself-and-I moments.

I am not a loner. Most people I know would say I am cheerful and philosophical*, sometimes sarcastic (from what I heard) - and you cannot be any of these three if you are all by yourself! I love being part of a company. I love doing things together with my brood, or dining out with my barkada, or going places with team mates, or working together with colleagues, even joking around with my old folks. But togetherness could sometimes be exhausting. I am sure it is not only true for me. There always comes a need for recharging and it is best done when you are on your own.

I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude.
- Henry David Thoreau

 
1. I go on lone field trips. Perhaps the most remarkable one (with literal marks) was the 8-hour, mostly-on-foot tour I did around Manila, riding through the three train lines. I visited the artworks on display at the Megamall galleries, then museums from Fort Santiago to Luneta to Ocean Park traversing through Roxas as the sun sets to the Science Centrum in MOA, culminating in a fireworks display. The guard on duty at the US Embassy almost took my camera because I paused and took a picture of the light displays on the surrounding trees. What a recharging experience! :D

BLEAK: The US Embassy Scandal :-)

  2. I grab a book and get immersed in its pages so deeply (and undisturbed-ly) it would seem like I have taken a vacation off to the book's characters' world. I enjoy each page as the events unfold. I am able to visit various places, experience different cultures, get to meet other people and learn new/old-have-existed-before-me stuff. The most challenging read for me came from these two:

Left: An adventure yet to be completed. This book is a modern, more insightful version of Alice in Wonderland.
Right: An aging adventure: those with memory gaps, beware! The Buendias can get to your nerves :D

3. I write. Emotions are transformed into legible figures and characters, sometimes, they become emoticons too specially when I am lost in the me-me world through my doodles. Writings also come in the form of answers to Sudoku and crossword puzzles, or solutions to Physics word problems.

4. I walk a thousand steps without any specific direction in mind. I roam around the mall, frequenting either the bookstore or the DIY shops. I stroll through parks where I can enjoy my invisibility power despite many people around. My most-treasured walking moments would be those along the shore culminated by a sunset. Oh, I miss the province! :-(

5. I play with my camera, with the zombies, with Lex, with the jewels, with playing cards. I play dead (how's that?) I play recorded shows and/or downloaded TV shows.

My favorite TV shows

I walk alone. I skip gatherings. I dine alone. I go to church and sit on a pew - just killing time. I dream of long trips, sometimes enjoying the heavy traffic on my way home. I take some days off to enjoy me-time. Sometimes, I get mad just so people will leave me behind haha! Crazy! When the world gets too noisy, and there is no way for me to get away, I spend my me-time inside the comfort room, my area of refuge. There I read through verses and just let time pass while being alone with Him. There were times when I chose to be alone so I could cry. Believe me, crying is therapeutic. It makes laughing out loud such an easy thing to do. I just do not LOL when alone, I might be mistaken as a lunatic. But I smile. And when I do, that means I am ready to be with fellow human beings again.

The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside,
somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God.
Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be.
- Anne Frank

BUT KEEP THIS in MIND:

If you are lonely when you're alone, you are in bad company. :))
- Jean-Paul Sartre

*philosophical = state of "wayward" thinking, often expressed spontaneously making people either say haha while suppressing laughter, or just laughing out loud.

WALANG MALAY

KWENTO

Inaalagaan naman nila akong mabuti. Subalit kailangan kong mamuhay kasama ang tunay kong pamilya. Di na magtatagal ang buhay ng Lolo ko, at wala siyang mapag-iiwanan ng mga naipundar niya. Nag-iisang anak niya ang tunay kong ama na nag-paalam sa mundo dahil sa kalungkutan at sama ng loob - di niya kinaya ang maagang pagkawala ng tunay kong ina. Kung tutuusin, ang padating ko sa mundo ang naging mitsa ng lahat. Kaya kahit mawawalay ako sa pamilyang minahal ko at nagmahal sa akin nang tunay, kakayanin ko. Di naman ako talagang lalayo. Batid kong mahaba pa ang panahong nakalaan para magsama-sama kaming muli.

Minsan ako'y tulala at parang naililigaw

Di mawari kung tulog, o namumuhay sa balintataw

Diwa ko'y nais marating ang di-abot ng tanaw

Mabuti na lang at may realidad na sa akin ay pumupukaw!

IMAHINASYON

Napakaraming tao! At napakahalaga ng selebrasyon. Di man ako ang natatanging tauhan, ayos lang. Dati ko pa alam na ako'y natatangi, kakaiba, may natatagong kapangyarihan. Habang ang lahat ay abala sa pakikinig at pakikiisa, biglang mangyayari ang di ko inaasahan. Wala na. Ito na yun. Di ko na maililihim pa ang tunay kong katangian. Oo, di ako galing sa planetang ito. Biglang aangat sa ere ang hiram kong katawan. Malfunction. Ito ang tawag sa ganitong sitwasyon. Huli na para pindutin pa ang emergency button. Iisipin ng maraming tao na naging kasalamuha ko, "kaya pala siya kakaiba, ngayon, malinaw na ang lahat."

 

Malikot, mapaglaro, kapagdaka'y mapagbiro

Mga nakatagong pagtatangi dahilan ng pagkatuliro

Walang pagsidlan mga tanong na sa isip ay pumupuno

Sa pagmulat ng mata'y damang-dama ang pagkabigo.

PANAGINIP

Matagal ko na siyang di nakikita, di nakakausap. Ngunit di maitatanggi na isa siyang mahalagang bahagi ng buhay ko. Sabay naming sinubok ang tadhana noon. Naging matagumpay kami, subalit ang aming Pagtatapos ay naging hudyat ng paghihiwalay. Kanya-kanya ng buhay. Masyado kong ininda ang pagkawala niya. Pero isipin ko man o hindi, nagpaparamdam pa rin siya - siguro sa mga panahong may pagkakataong mababanggit siya, o mapag-uusapan ng mga taong naging bahagi din ng aming nakaraan. Nakakatuwa lang na sa panaginip ko siya nakakasama, at dun lang, doon ko lang nababalitaan ang mga nangyayari sa kanya. Iwinaksi ko na ang mga ala-ala ng dating buhay upang pilit siyang makalimutan. Pero di ng siguro madaling tanggalin sa sistema ang napakahalagang pinagsamahan. Paano na? Hanggang panaginip na lang ba ang pagkakaibigang iningatan?

Kathang-isip lamang ba, o may bahid ng katotohanan,

Mga pangyayaring sumasagi, minsa'y gumugulo sa isipan?

Bakit naman kasi sa dami ng maaaring mapanaginipan,

Yun at yun din ang nasusumpungan?

 

Sadya atang tadhana ang sa atin ay lumilinang

Nakapikit man ang mata'y di siya malilinlang

Lalabas at lalabas ang kulay, damdamin mong tunay

Buhay ka man, patay, o walang malay.

(akda para kay Ito)

Iisang Lugar, Magkaibang Panahon: Panaginip? Imahinasyon?

A NUMBERED EXISTENCE

(c) Google Inc.

47.14

8:30

47%

5000

8, 13, 4, 25, 17, 2
35

If you are to optimize the browser that is my mind, these will be the most current entries that you will see. I may not always consider my thoughts but most actions and preferences I have made through my daily existence revolved around numbers. Let us set aside technicalities and leave the math behind. I do not even have to pause for moments of reflection to realize how relevant numbers are. Truth is, though I may not always count, my conscious efforts are almost always quantified. 

I did not have to know how many pounds I was when I first appeared in public, but I am semi-conscious of the pounds I gain when I fail to control intake and burn the excess calories through exercise.

I can only dream about getting taller, but I do not let my height of 5 feet hinder me from enjoying 7-feet deep swims.

I do not watch out for updates on the national life expectancy rate, or my BP, or my pulse rate, but I am always on the lookout for the number of hours I spend for the oftentimes-hard-to-come-by luxurious sleep.

I know if I am spending too much but I do not count the cost of something for someone;  beware though because I can get furious (hmm...) over a peso unjustly and unfairly taken away from me.

I may have lived out "quality over quantity" in the process of acquisition but I always seek for more economical alternatives.

I do not have to measure the distance between home and the office but I sure know how much time I need to allot for the travel to avoid losing precious gold.

I know I am aged but I am not concerned. I can still laugh out loud like a kid so I am sure I am fine.

So what exactly are those (^) precious digits doing in my brain? Let's see...

47.14 is the number of minutes it took me to finish the race I recently joined in, positive as it is smaller (shorter) than the time it took me to do the same task last time ...

8:30 is the current time for duty calls, positive as it gives me a traffic-less pathway and protects me from the harmful UV rays come closing time..

47% is the new target for the biggest chunk of the performance score card, negative as it is waaaay higher than the previous metric targets...

5000 refers to the number of one-peso coins I have to keep in the bank for the realization of a life-long project, positive as it is a source of motivation...

8, 13, 4, 25, 17, 26 are my winning lottery numbers. Not! Haha! These are my favorite numbers. 8 is deemed a lucky number because writing it would always end up in an upward stroke; 13 is a lonely, superstitiously considered unlucky number making it an awesome choice; 4 is the opposite of thirteen because it indicates company; 25 is Majesty's magic number; 17 is the first two-digit prime number (aside from eleven and thirteen which are less lonely - eleven having ones in pair, thirteen having a history of its own plus single digits are naturally proud because they can stand alone); and 26 is a very special number and, reader, you should know why :D

35 is the number of 24-hour periods I have to spend before ending a year-long project and embarking on a new, exciting, challenging and risk-laden project away from home sweet home.

Generally, I have to allot time (whether I like it or not) to check on prices to pay, to consider a number of rules to keep in mind and heart and to deal with various tags, digits, and numbers to continue experiencing a smooth-sailing journey that is life.

Yes, there is more to numbers than their unique forms and figures and the amount, count or quantity associated with them. Presents, friends, check marks on the to-do or bucket list, earnings, work experience - numbers of which give us joy, or sadness, but meaning nonetheless. Here are some more evidences of the meaningful-ness of numbers. I hope they will encourage you more to make sure that it's not the years in your life that should count but the life in your years as Abraham Lincoln has put it. Read on for some more food for thought ;-)

I think prime numbers are like life. They are very logical but you could never work out the rules, even if you spend all your time thinking about them. 

~ Mark Haddon

The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings. 

~ Eric Hoffer, Reflections On The Human Condition

Although he may not always recognize his bondage, modern man lives under a tyranny of numbers. 

~ Nicholas Eberstadt, The Tyranny of Numbers: Mismeasurement and Misrule 

I know that two and two make four - and should be glad to prove it too if I could - though I must say if by any sort of process I could convert 2 and 2 into Five, it would give me much greater pleasure.

~ George Gordon, Lord Byron

God does not care about our mathematical difficulties; He integrates empirically.

~ Albert Einstein

Just for Fun! (c) Miniclip.com

PERDU

What do you do when you suddenly realize that you are alone, and the future ahead of you is nothing but a blur? You find yourself still trapped in the maze of not being able to know where you are headed...with myriad of choices up front, you can only stare...and you stand still...even breathless...

I was busy at work one day and while on a call, I looked down on the floor and was faced with the glaring: what am I doing here? Then it hit me. What greater purpose do I have to achieve here? Is it worth abandoning the noble task I have been used to?

Are you in a certain situation because God allowed it to happen? Is your free will solely your own decision? Why is it than when life's details become so confusing, we tend to look at the bigger view? We tend to make specifics hazy and just look at life in general - are you generally happy? Then you're good...but it does not always feel like it...

Life is not perfect. That is the ugly truth. But what can we do if the universe is not ready yet to conspire with us to  be where we want to be, have what we want to possess, experience what we want to do, live with whom we would like to belong to? There will be moments of regrets, frustrations, disappointments, even wishful thinking.

Even the perfect flower withers, and falls to barren land...but only after its beauty has graced the face of the earth.

Each of us has a purpose. Each of us has a goal. Each of us has a plan to pursue, whether we know it or not. But we all have our own ways and means. And though our individual differences may set us apart, we all are one in keeping up with what life has to offer, in our determination to make life livable, lovable and laughter-worthy. We may not always know when, where or how but deep inside we just got to believe and nurture the hope that we will get there somehow.

Be patient. Just hang on.
Be faithful. Just do it.
He will do the rest.
Amen!

Heart's Day High! (Don't Say Cheese-y! Just Say Smile!)

Yes! The day has come for hearts to celebrate again. Paloozas everywhere. The blue-green earth glows pinky-rosy-red and goes a-bloom with bouquets and special presents.

Yes! Even the SAD moment for independent (aka single) beings has long been commemorated with glee on the same day that HAPPY unavailable (aka committed, attached, taken, married) beings go crazy about love and sweeetness and preparations and promises.

Yes! The other day aside from Christmas when people think about, and hope for, love...and they smile...a lot! :-)

In honor of today's big event, I want to share a very heart-warming story I have read through a post on one of my FB friends' wall. Aptly titled "A Winning Smile", the story brings one the feeling of a success so dictated by fate, of a love that conquers, of an out-of-the-fairy-tale-pages happily ever after.

Truly, a smile goes a long, long way. As the saying goes, it is a curve that sets everything straight. A smile at the beginning of a day keeps all the worries away. A smile is your best make up - it is the most inexpensive way to change your looks! 

So before the spirit of love wears out at the closing of to-day, let me share with you some thoughts to smile for. May we always be reminded that love may not always come around, but...

...everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.  ~Mother Teresa

A smile is the light in the window of your face that tells people you're at home. 

mi familia me hace sonreír - my family makes me smile
(it's not always a homey home, but when the going gets tough, mi familia is a sure shelter to seek comfort and protection from)

 A smile is a powerful weapon; you can even break ice with it.

mis amigos me hacen sonreir - my friends make me smile
(my colleagues con friends for years...may our very first smiles bring us together again)

Every scowling face also contains the shapes of engaging smiles, just waiting to be released.  ~Dr. SunWolf

mis estudiantes me hicieron sonreír - my students made me smile
(so, whether you are a newbie, a lost soul, or a tenured welcoming newbies, worry not, strangers are friends we just have not met yet;-) 

Smiling is infectious, you can catch it like the flu. Someone smiled at me today, and I started smiling too.

estos niños me hacen sonreír - these kids make me smile

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.  ~Andy Rooney

mis cosas favoritas me hacen sonreír - my favorite things make me smile (so find time for your faves. You'll never know, maybe they're really the love/s you might have been searching for. ;)

 |be in love|smile|be happy|smile|live life|smile|