HOME ALONE

(LATE ENTRY: Written Christmas Day of 2007)

I am home alone. I am supposed to be back in the province but something happened and for the first time, God literally showed me that He has the upper hand. I was not able to reach the airport in time for my flight and I almost spent the day waiting for vacant seats homebound as a chance passenger. It was THE peak season and I was sure that I was not going to be lucky. I was right. At mid-day, I decided that it was better to have my flight re-scheduled than to spend the day and the next day in line with other co-people who were waiting for only-God-knows-what.

I came to my home base still struggling to know what I had to gain from the experience. First and foremost, it was my being late and my irresponsibility that caused the whole hulabaloo of it (as my sister phrased it, the event was a very good addition and conclusion to my list of 2007 misfortunes). No rationalizing needed. Simply, I was late (again, and this was to the highest level). But something deep inside convinces me to believe it was God's will. It could not have happened if it were not because He allowed it to happen; but this did not answer my question.

On the way to the airport, I have been thinking about what-ifs. What if I will not get there on time? What if I will be left behind? What if something awful happens? What if I get there just in time for my flight, would I see God grinning? Would He reward me for being clever? Would He bless me more for being so sure and right? Maybe God was not so busy during that early morning that the answer rained down on me brighter than the first sun rays. The pilot left me behind. Ugh! No more blessings. No more grinning from Him above.

It was the first time ever that I was home alone on Christmas eve and Christmas day itself. I have not been much into thinking because I was so stressed out and tired and weak that I fell asleep minutes after my sister left. I have not eaten any festive Christmas Eve dinner, have not dressed into fancy Christmas outfit, have not opened any Christmas ooh-ing present and I so missed the company of co-people. I planned to (as I almost always do when it come to being with Him) visit Him and be merry with other co-people but my mind was willing and my flesh was weak. If ever Santa came hurrying down the chimney at night, I would not have noticed him. Besides, my home base does not have any chimney to hurry down through. ;-)

I woke up early, at 2 am. Maybe my mind was telling me to prepare for my flight (that is the result of a lesson learned the hard way: you really, really learn it). My phone gave me only two choices: whether to go check out my inbox or delete overflowing messsages. Grateful that He granted me the right mind to opt for the better choice, I read the messages from well-wishers. (At least I had a taste of the season). I assumed invisibility since I was alone and it was hard for me to respond to any of the senders. I did not mind whether the well-wisher belonged to the VIP or to the ordinary heart-space bracket. All of them got the same treatment. Just like that, I slept again. I wondered how many long hours I have to spend for sleep till the year ends.

It was a new day! It was Christmas day! I had visions, not the same with what Jacquelane (a character in the book I am reading) had though...mine was less spooky, less morose though there were hints of gloom in some parts. I planned ahead again...many things left to do with just equally enough minutes to do them. Yeah...meet Him at His home...but the magic book got the better of me and I spent countless seconds deep into it that the plan was yet another plan.

I went downstairs to wash my trip-home wardrobe (I am determined to prove to whoever interested that the "luck" of my being leaven is not due to what I was wearing). I bathed (gosh! was it another reflection on my face?) I dined (my Christmas feast consisted of fresh cabbage and a slice of cheese sandwiched between two freshly-baked wheat bread and a cup of usual, ordinary day energy drink of 2:1 Milo and milk combination). I went back to the magic book. It has been giving me inspiration since I got hold of it that I was finding it difficult separating it from my system until I get all that it wanted to tell me.

My NRBF8 texted for the 4th time and I was tempted to become invisible again and share with her some realization I got regarding reasns why I was home alone but decided not to. I was sure that she can use the time to rest and deal with herself more if I were not to enter into her Christmas picture. Well, she will miss me, and I miss her as well but God knows why things happen and though I don't know His reasns yet, I believe it is only for the good.

So what did I deduce from all the contemplating? Here's a list of some of them:

1. that Santa does not really appear on Christmas Eve and grant everybody's wishes. The wish is granted before he even shows up.

2. that not all people will care about you in the same way. It is quite hurting and painful sometimes that some would only consider your fault and not look for your welfare (not that they do not really care; maybe they are just upset).

3. that you are fave of your fave, you are loved by who you love.

4. that not all people will remember you enough for them to conquer the distance just to show you how they feel about you and that there are those who are stubborn enough to let important days pass without notice of whether they are still alive or not (talk about bitterness haha!).

5. that life is not always what you ex[ect it to be or as it appears to be.

6. that good things happen out of misfortunes. I would not be having these realizations on record if I was not home alone now. God has a way of making one feel blessed despite everything wrong that occurs. I am convinced that I am blessed. I have actually received a lot of those blessings...some were in disguise though...

7. that God is loving and caring. He has blessed me enough to assure me that I can overcome the Stress of being left behind. ;-)

MIXED NUTS

~~~ A Collection of Parts ~~~

A smile in your heart

A tear that breaks you apart

Cheer up, cherub, do not be sad

Happy days are coming, it can't always be bad

Live day by day

Take it one at a time

Whatever they'd say

Just don't waste a dime

Speak of change:

I walked along the left lane, successful without the fright

I feel good being a bum, but it still not right

I won over but it does not make feel quite bright

I had the chance, I did not grab it, I didn't fight

But shine, oh light! I dined and laughed out loud to my delight!

Because today is the beginning of the rest of my life, so start anew, fight the fight!
Hate the bytes, consider my plight

Succumb to copyrights

Decrease the height of what's not good to the sight

Take it light, sooner than soon, everything will be alright!

VOYAGE DeTUDE

I have planned it long before...talk about over ten thousand seconds before I slept last night.

I was excited for the trip that I thought hard about what I'll wear...

(must be comfortable and a cap is a must, maybe an extra shirt might be needed too);

I scurried and hurried and dizzied my housemates as I prepared what to bring...

(alas! my trusted backpack will now be used again - among the essentials were my fully-charged Ixus 70, Bob Ong's Kapitan Sino, my daily journal, alcohol for germ-free hands, wet tissue, my red Fibrella umbrella and my red folding fan);

I consulted my journal and my memory for possible routes and stops...

(i have heard about the art exhibit, i might be lucky with the island trip now after the traumatic incident years ago, i heard that the old walled city offers ideal photographic scenes);

I slept quite early...

(err...earlier than usual but not as early as others' standard. i've lost count of sheeps because I counted over a thousand already and still nothing desirable happened. i did not mind. i won't be with any of the pictures anyway so i can deal with the eyebags. i fell asleep without me knowing)

Tomorrow came but i did not wake up on set time. I lingered with my sleepiness. Whoa! I suddenly was awake! I realized that t'was my field trip day! I moved ala-Road Runner - I zoomed in and out of my room (still undecided of whether to push through with the trip or not). I checked the web and ugh! I was late for the Island Trip. Fail, fail, fail!

Oh but whew! I still have some time for the other stops. I bathed. I ate. I checked my bacpack. I left. The journey began.

Classica Pasig

First Stop: the SALON

As if one really needs to be fully-groomed when going on a trip. Nah. This one was for relaxation. A good start. I had my hair and head treated (not the usual treatment again - I am not for skin deep beauty and wellness). My hair and head were warmed up, massaged, left to relax and cooled and warm dried. End.

TMC Ortigas

Second Stop: the DOCTOR'S CLINIC

Just for a bit of physical examination before I venture on a long-day trip. I had to make sure that my organs and senses were in very good working condition - i was traveling alone and so heart attacks, nausea, hyperacidity attacks should be on the last of the list, if not included at all. Do not get me wrong. I went to set an appointment. No serious poking and examining happened.

Paintings on Exhibit at the Crucible SM Megamall
Photos from Google Images

Third Stop: the CRUCIBLE

I am not an artist. I do not create art. I appreciate it. I marvel at paintings, sculptures and artsy crafts. They amaze and entertain me at the same time. The unique artworks inspire me. Ah, how beautiful the world is! Each craft carries with it a mystery - it plays with the mind. Painter, sculptor or mere observer, the sight of these precious creations never fail to make the mind wander and wonder.

LRT Anonas Station

Fourth Stop: the WORM
You may be wondering what or where the Worm is. I simply mean the Train. I love riding in trains (especially the LRT2). I have explained well why I have this liking for the long, winding, slithering thing. I consider it the most favorable mode for mass transportation. Good thing railways in the metro are elevated. This way, I can just sit back, relax and enjoy the view from the wide-glass-paned windows. Such a comforting feeling!

PNU Taft Avenue Manila

Fifth Stop: the OLD SCHOOL
Feeling nostalgic, I dropped by my old school (literally and figuratively old - it is over a hundred years old and is my former school). I may not have such strong an affection or bond with the institution (I only spent two years of college here before I graduated). Coming from provincial schools, PNU "shocked" me with the rallies inside school. Quite liberal as it may seem, my classmates and I were still able to share memorable activities according to tradition - parties, gift-giving, group outing, and most importantly, graduation. ;-)

The National Museum and the Museo Pambata at the Rizal Park Grounds

Sixth Stop: the MUSEUM

I was finally able to enter the home of national artists. I was thrilled. Since it was a weekday, the museum was not filled aka no students going on a field trip. To add to the fun, I was asked to join a group of foreigners for the guided tour. It seemed a short time of stay for the entrance fee but I enjoyed nontheless. I lingered on the pre-Spanish area, with the interactive musical instruments. Memory flashed back to those days when learning about history was a requirement. I wished we had access to the museum during that time. Learning would have been a lot more fun. Interestingly, I was given a free pass to check out the Museo Pambata. I had fun with the kids, and of course with the educational exhibits, too! I love the mazes.

Kilometer Zero, Luneta, Manila

Seventh Stop: the PARK

I was feeling tourist-er. I roamed around the park, pausing before every statue and snapping shots at them. It was a hot mid-afternoon. I was good as burnt. Though I have seen them quite often before, I still marvel at the sight of those having picnic at the park - blanket, umbrella, basket of food, kite, kids, balloons, bicycles, cameras - they bring such a peaceful, relaxing feeling. I was being toasted black without the benefit of a sunscreen...but I lingered. That was one enjoyable afternoon. I will surely be back.

Sunset by the Bay | Roxas Boulevard

Eighth Stop: the BOULEVARD

Sunset! I love sunsets! I am a walker. I may not win in marathons or walk-a-thons for that matter, but I can endure really long walks. Today, I walked from PNU all the way to MOA. Imagine that? But I rested for a while at the boulevard to capture the lovely sunset. What a reward for the almost-over field trip! I have been here many times, at various times of the day. I have been here before dawn to jog, midnight to enjoy the bar and the bands, at dusk to pause from binge eating (usually from Max's across the street, adjacent to Rajah Soliman Park), early morning for a run-for-a-cause. The most memorable part of the boulevard walk today was the American Embassy attack. I got hooked by the light decors hung on the trees surrounding the embassy and decided to take pictures of them. Suddenly, a guard was  running towards me, shouting at me and about to confiscate my camera. Oh my! I did not know that such act was, is, prohibited. Haayaa!

SM Mall of Asia

Ninth Stop: the MALL

I do not have much to say. Just a note maybe, that this mall has been considered as one of the metro's tourist destinations. A must-visit location especially for those coming from other (especially far-away) places. Shop. Dine. Stroll. Watch a movie. Watch the fireworks display. Enjoy quality time with friends or family.

The Science Discovery Center at Mall of Asia

Tenth Stop: the LABORATORY

I played goalie for a soccer game. I sent a message from the past to the future. I flew a plane. I experienced a magnitude 7 earthquake. I heard and smelled flatulence. I learned about solar cars. I was brought to the wonderful world of planets and galaxies. I rode on a modern unicycle. I was under the sea for a longer-than-humanly-possible time and was interviewed by a talking fish. For a short stay, i experienced ultimate edu-tainment. In a nutshell, this awesome venue piques and feeds your curiosity, nourishes your scientific inclination and develops in you a sense of awareness of the world and the future to come. Just keep in mind, a buddy would double the fun. ;-)

The Robotics Section of the Science Discovery Center

Eleventh Stop: the ROBOTICS CENTER

I have always loved robots. When I was a kid, I would always choose a robot over a doll. The very first robot that I got was for free (from Colgate). It was a blue and pink mini-transformer robot - it changes from a letter M to a robot-looking figure. It made me happy until it got lost. I am hoping to be part of a robotics class or seminar in the near future. Oh, how I love them! 

Manila Bay by the Boulevard

Last Stop: the BAY

Dinner at Dencio's capped the day. It was a sumptuous meal coupled with an de-LIGHT-ful view of the bay. What a day this was! I am definitely going for another trip in the near future.

EMO-NESS! ;-p

STRANGER SMILE

(March 11, 2007)

When you are alone and lonely, it will take faith much bigger than a mustard seed (that which could move mountains) to make you smile. Yes, even the people you love would encounter difficulty at cheering you up sometimes. That is why it is a blissful experience when the answer lies with very small things, gestures and surprisingly, most of the weird times, from strangers. I was walking down loneliness' road one moment in time when an alien, attracting not only my attention asked me to cheer up. Well, that went without any word spoken. He was simply very entertaining. He was singing out loud, trying out the new magic sing and he made me laugh out loud. Amazing is it not?

HAPI MEANS

(May 18, 2007)

I am dancing in the rain, what a glorious feeling. I am happy again...happy again huh? Nah, not really. I guess no one can be a master of being happy all by himself. But it also does not mean that a lone person feels awful all the time. People are happy when they are with their friends (some, with few good friends, have learned the trick that unhappy individuals enjoying each others' company create bursts of laughter and one great amazing scene.) People are happy when at home (next to being in the company of buddies, enjoying the comforts of being home alone - having your privacy, playing games with unlimited time, reading your favored books and/or movie-marathoning.) Though peace and quiet combined do not always equate to happiness, having the chance to talk to Him while enjoying a beautiful sight, while singing out your heart in praise of Him, when relieved of worries and anxieties you have been solely burdened with are truly blissful moments that could make your day. Happiness comes in various forms, from various sources and it is really all up to us to pick the best one out of the many and bring them out for others to see and feel as well. But though we can't be happy all the time, a promise to smile forever would always do the trick!

GET LOST

(May 22, 2007)

Some people say that you do not know what you have until you lose it. But is really not like that. You always know what you have; you just never thought that you would lose it. I used to live a sheltered life, but fate intervened so here I am, close to being a hermit - living on my own in my 5th residence, miles away from home. Way back in time, I had the love of my life. I always believed that the only future was one with him. I was young then. I could still recall just how painful it was when we tried going our separate ways. We have learned the lesson and promised not to quarrel again, to be more understanding next time, but here I am - alone! I once had a techie gadget more precious than what I wished for, so precious that guarding it with almost my life guaranteed our togetherness forevermore but now it's gone. I remember way back a long time ago when a few very good people made a pact of holding on to each other till the rest of the journey - look now, I am heading for my destination with a company unknown to me before. Life is so amazing that you would believe it could be forever. But God has His way of making us realize that what matters most is that we have loved, and that in this world, it is only He who we could have for everlasting.

TORN APART

(June 3, 2007)

It has been more than a week and I have been torn for almost the same time now. I did not cry. I knew I was strong enough. It breaks my heart seeing Mama disabled. It breaks my heart even more being at home without her. I miss her voice, her whines, her touch. I really miss Mama's tender loving care. I miss her so much. And I miss her more because I know that things are not going to be the same as before. I wish I could have called more often, wish I could have stayed, wish I could have embraced Mama tighter and longer. Mama's not going to be back...and I feel really sorry for Shoti - that he is going through this pain at a young age. It's like he is being forced to mature. I am leaving again soon and it tears me apart all the more. If only Mama could speak, I am sure she will bid for me to stay longer but I know that she will understand - she has always been the understanding kind...

STAGNATION

(August 11, 2007)

Wasted. Fact. Mean. Why is it so hard to understand thyself? Thou hast been so beyond thy worst existence. The Good Man may have some explanation, but being the only and last resort, thine heart desires it least. The present requires of thou to not remain oblivious. Thou hast choices and decisions are deemed essential for the realization of what seems to be so real. Hate thyself, thou shall not. Be patient and kind. In the long run, He shall call for you to come, maybe even without ruptures. Thou shall be prepared. Thou shall be ready to face the Great Judge.

Have you ever been to some-when in time when all you did was lie down and let time pass you by? Or those times when you allowed yourself to be idle and just let boredom get the best of you? Well, those are perfect moments for stagnation. Welcome aboard! Deep in my heart though, I long for a spark. I want to act. I want to do something worthwhile but even "mind over matter" is not functional anymore. Maybe my sane mind has given up long ago...and without that spark, my heart may stop beating soon. i know I am doomed. But what can I do? Surely, I need help. But from what and from whom? I have no idea...ugh! Remember what He said about serving to be happy? Yeah, oh yeah! Maybe that is why I am not happy. Maybe I need to serve...oh my mind's failing me...beat oh heart...and do not ever cease...

Wishing you faith that someone in everyday there will be warm and peaceful moments for you to cherish...

Wishing you hope to hold to in bad times and encouragement with every sign of progress...

Wishing you love to surround you every minute, every hour, everyday...

MELISJAMIE - A Tale of Two Names

(This is in response the many questions about the origin of my email address, when identity crisis during puberty as an answer does not suffice ;-)

I was in high school when I started having my own set of friends...my own set of imaginary friends. The very first ones had the same qualities/ characteristics with me. I was innately smile-y/ cheerful so when I was thinking of names for my "friends" I chose Smile. But it was so obvious in the sense that no one would ever be named like that...it would make my friend less real. I trie dtinkering with the name...until finally, I got Silem, my alter ego...and Melis - a friend who represents the lady in me. Melis embodied the Ania who is mature, demure, so lady-like. I was afraid of growing up before. I was afraid of being responsible even for my own self. I was afraid of being matured. I loved being a child that is why I'm hodling to being young-at-heart until now...enjoying a care-free life. There were times however when I was forced to act and think and move and decide maturely so I summon Melis to stay with me and show me how to get through those "rough" times.

With my survival kit (in a backpack containing a flashlight, some chips, a pen and my journal), I would sneak to the nearby beach during my younger years to be with my friends. I talked to them...but nt orally though...I kept a jornal...my friends did not respond in writing...I just knew their thoughts, their feelings. The more I wrote on my journal, the more imaginary friends I got. During those moments of being alone, I started sppreciating music, songs, sound in general. They motivated me to write...they helped me in effortlessly creating my friends...(but where's Jamie here?) I used Jamie though she is not among my i-friends because I was inspired by her (Jamie Rivera's) songs before. I loved her voice and her music...well, that was before i met her in person...everything chas changed, even with my i-friends...she failed me...and my busy-ness searated me from my regular beach visits, even from my regular journal writing which was my only venue of meeting up with my i-friends...but i cannot change my email add anymre...it is good to last.

DOON PO SA MERRY-VELES!

(Akda noong ika-25 ng Mayo,2009, alay para sa mga Kulot na bahagi na ng aking buhay. Kami'y naglakbay nang malayo at sa kanila'y nakipamuhay. Sinong mag-aakalang ang ilang araw naming pamamalagi sa kanilang munting pamayanan ay magiging napakagandang karanasang kailanma'y di malilimutan? Sana'y sa susunod naming pagdalaw, makasama ka kaibigan! :)

DOON PO SA MARIVELES

Noong una ako'y takot, may pangamba sa puso't isipan

Kaya't mga naunang paanyaya'y di ko pinaunlakan

Subalit sa kagustuhang mapayaman ang karanasan

Naglakas-loob akong immersion ay subukan.

Sa kabundukan sa Bataan, ako'y nanirahan

Kasama nina Nanay at kids sa kanilang munting tahanan

Maraming mahalagang bagay akong natutunan

Mga aral na panghahawakan ko magpakailanman.

Sa Upper Bia-an,walang

mahirap, walang mayaman

At mapabundok man o karagatan, sagana sa yamang-kalikasan

Nakakatuwang-isiping sa kanila'y walang ganid o gahaman

Totoo sa prinsipyong kumuha lang ng sapat sa pangangailangan

Sa sandaling pagdalaw, ako'y nasiyahan

Tunay na pakikipagkapwa'y aking naranasan

Ngunit higit sa lahat, aking natutuna't naramdaman

Ang ugat ng ligaya'y simpleng pamumuhay, kaibigan.

Pag-aaruga sa kapwa'y dapat na walang pag-aalinlangan

Maging kulot, unat, maitim o maputi ka pa man.

Paggalang, pagbibigayan, pagkakaisa't pagkakapatiran

Sa lahat ng panaho'y ipamalas, tanda ng wagas na pagmamahalan.

Ang mga Aetang nagpatuloy sa aki'y lubos kong hinahangaan

Sila'y parang mga anghel sa kalangitan

Tama nga't totoo ang minsan ng tinuran

"Kung anong itim ng balat nila'y siyang puti ng puso nila sa kabusilakan"

Ako'y umuwing malungkot at luhaan

Subalit hindi dahil ako'y naloko o sinaktan

Mga Aetang ginigiliw na dati'y di ko matingnan

Aking mami-miss at siguradong babalik-balikan!

Kumusta po? :-)

MAY MULTO! GISING!

Ang tagal na grabe!

(Kaya ayan...halos di mo masimulan...)

Ang dami nang temang pumasok sa iyong isipan....ang dami nang mga pagkakataong ganito ang iyong pinalampas....paano ka nga naman magsisimulang muli kung ang dating gawaing kinagigiliwan ay iyo nang nakalimutan at ngayo'y parang ng isang tinik sa lalamunan?

Mabuti na lamang at may mga panahong ganito: gigising kang may multo sa isip...at sa tabi mo! Bahala ka na kung aling multo ang pagbibigyan mo, at kung paano - maari kasing pumikit ka na lamag hanggang sa mawalan ka ng malay, o kumaripas ka ng takbo patungo sa kung saang di mo alam o kaya'y bumangon at harapin ang multong tila sumusundo sa'yo.

Ngayo'y wala kang magawa kundi sumunod...maaring sadyang nakakatakot ang multong hinarap mo at natalo ka sa laban, o kaya nama'y napilitan kang makipagkasundo para sa pansarili na ring katahimikan...ayos! Sa wakas, wala na ring paglalabanan!

Kung tutuusin, sa dami ng maaring pag-usapan, madali lang sana ang balikan ang nakagisnan...hindi naman nga 'yon basta-basta nawawala sa puso, damdami't isipan. Kaunting pagmumuni-muni lang, may maisusulat ka nang makabuluhan. Subalit, sa dahilang ang mga iyon ay bahagi na ng nakaraan, puspusang konsentrasyon pa rin ang kailangan, mahabang panahon ang gugulin bago pa man maibalik ang mga ideyang kapag nailathala'y maituturing na palaisipan.

Haay! May multo! Gising na, kaibigan!

ARAW ng KALAYAAN

I am FREE!

Happy Independence Day, people!

I had FUN today. I breathed in super fresh air, and though our lunch was way delayed, I feasted on freshly-picked fruits - just one of the many blessings that I got today. It was so nice seeing people who miss you more than you miss them. It was great dipping my clay-laden feet (err, sandals) into cool, clear waters. It was exciting to take pictures of awesome view, and innocent faces and poses. 

But just like achieving the state of freedom (?) experiencing all the heartwarming events did not come without a price. Oh well, challenges and obstacles and hardships are essential to the realization of a worthy goal. The fun did not falling upon us as naturally, as normally as raindrops would. I had to get off to de-load the trike, and push with all my might to get it out of the mud. I had to prepare myself earlier than the usual waking-up time - which meant taking tap-water bath at 4 am). I had to walk with heavy feet because of the mud stuck to my sandals and my legs were heavily decorated with lumps and specks of the sticky loam.

In the end, what I have achieved today was worth all the effort and energy spent. I saw the majestic views and captured them for life. I saw the greeneries and was refreshed. I had gallons of fresh air, enough to cleanse me whole and treat my H1N1 symptoms. I was able to bond with three beautiful people - be with them and share thoughts with them, worked for and achieved the same goal with them and learned from them. Most importantly, I saw the people of the community smile and felt their warm welcome. Their love and care which I was afraid I have already lost was readily felt. 

Words are not enough to express how grateful I am for the gift of today. I may have felt heavenly when our 7-man mission shrank to a 4-team group, but thinking of it now, I believe I am both lucky and blessed. Though it may sound a bit overrated but it was really a joy to be able to reach out to people whilst overcoming some difficulties. Ha! We (my friends and I) were not threatened by the early morning downpour of rain (correspondingly cats and dogs). This day is as liberating as independence day the first time.

Scroll down for some more information :D

On the road (less) traveled :P

Tzi and I with our foster parents

Dressing up after the chasing game

Our little friends :)

I missed my loved ones today. I lost the chance to rest and enjoy the holiday. I missed the opportunity to be the official photographer to my bestfriend's store opening. But they did not dare disturb me while I was away. They did not make me feel like I am missing anything. I am secured that though I did not prioritize them, they will always be there to care for and support me. Now, that is another freeing feeling!

DIKAGANDAHAN

Kung sasabihin ko ba sa'yo na okay lang ako, maniniwala ka ba?

Kung sasabihin ko namang hindi, may magagawa ka ba para gumaan ang pakiramdam ko? kahit naman ano ang sabihin ko, wala pa ring magbabago....

Kung naku-conscious ka sa malaking belly mo, mag-ala tomboy ka na lang. Hu cares? Okay lang ang lalaking malaki ang tiyan. LUSOT!

Kung ayaw mong magparaya at magbigay ng iyong upuan sa matatanda o di kaya'y sa buntis o may kapansanan na mas nangangailangan, matulog-tulugan ka na lang. Hu cares? pagod ka at antok pa. LUSOT!

Kung sa iyong pagkakatulog ay napabalikwas ka't bumagsak ang iyong ulo, magbutingting ng iyong dala-dalahan o dili kaya'y magmadaling kunin at tingnan ang iyong cellphone. Hu cares? Sige nga, sino ang di nagugulat sa vibration? LUSOT!

Kung sa biglang pag-andar ng tren ay di ka nakapanimbang at sa iyong pagkabuwal ay naapakan mo ang iyong katabi, sabihin mo na lang, "aba'y wala naman tulakan, nakakaapak tuloy tayo eh". Hu cares? yung naapakan mo lang naman ang nasaktan. LUSOT!

Kung sa iyong pagka-abala ay lumagpas ka ng istasyon, o kaya nama'y sa maling direksyon ka napasakay, 'wag kang magulat at sumigaww. Nakakahiya. Manahimik ka na lang. Hu cares? Mas halata lang kapag ika'y nag-ingay. LUSOT!

Kung sa pagbaba mo naalala mong nakalimutan mo pa lang iabot sa konduktor ang iyong pamasahe, huwag ka nang tumakbo pa't at humabol sa dyip. Ayos lang yan. Hu cares? Eh kung isiksik nga nila mga pasahero, daig pa sa dalawang tao ag lamang sa kita nila bawat pasada. LUSOT!

Kung naligaw ka o kaya'y nadukutan o kaya'y napagnakawan habag nasa kalagitnaan ng daan, huwag ka nang humingi ng saklolo o sumigaw man lamang. Hu cares? Walang makikialam sa'yo. Wala ding dadamay nang kusa. LUSOT!

Kung sawa ka na sa buhay na paulit-ulit at walang pag-unlad, matulog ka na lang. Huwag ka ng mag-alala. Hu cares? Malulutas ba ng worry mo ang problema? Lilipas din yan, magdasal ka lamang. LUSOT!

Ingat kaibigan! Nwa'y ng Kanyang kapangyarihan ika'y patnubayan. Amen.

CRUSH...

(memoire du passe....)

I like his eyes, his smile is made more dramatic, more sincere, more heartwarming when he smiles with his eyes...

I like the way he crinkles his nose...it makes him all the more cute...

He is into what I'm into - physics, etc - I mean, sweats a little profusely when it's hot, just like me...so I guess that we'll both be comfortable in an air-conditioned environment...comfy huh?

Physical contact? yes, our knees had physical contact when we were cramped in the bus on field trip day during one summer camp in my distant past...

Stranger though he is, he keeps appearing within the vicinity where I am...or maybe it just seems so now that I'm paying a closer look at him...

Oh but he's vain! He's got more ear studs than me. It does not matter though...not really a big deal...besides it makes him more good-looking...

He likes taking pictures, and might be good at it! His DSLR tells me so...[i'm glad that I was one of his objects of focus once in his and my life...]

And yes, we were together on the special corner for photographers at the church...we were interested in the same glass window display...

And the brows! So full of feelings - like you'd love to see those in action:

sad when you leave...

happy when he laughs...

remorseful when expressing apologies...

worried when confused...

Parting time...end of summer camp...

I thought he left ahead of all the other campers...and I gave up.

T'was almost the end anyway and I accepted that maybe, the next time's next year....

But whoala! What a great joy! He was there when I was about to leave for my flight...

He was the last person I saw before I finally bid farewell to the campsite...and maybe the last to see me too...SAD...

Bye, Kim...until we meet again...

HAPPINESS!

Fyodor Dostoevsky is known for saying that:

"Man is fond of counting his trouble, but he does not count his joys. If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it.

Kuya Antet and Alien Mie

It is true that if one wants to be happy, he has to pursue it. But we are sometimes too focused on seeking happiness, or trying to be happy, that we fail to notice little moments of glee and joy. Happiness is not as elusive as we regard it to be. All that we have to do is to stop thinking whether we are happy.

Here's a list of my happy-ness...moments when i could feel the glow and everything around appears like a kaleidoscope world...moments of my being a walking ray of sunshine! Read on and maybe, we share the same happy-ness, you just failed to notice when... (err..)

Happiness is...

...when i am able to instantly sing my favorite song even if i have long forgotten its lyrics
(Pretty Boy by M2M is one of 'em)...

...when i touch a soul even if we are worlds apart
(text messaging with heart-warming thoughts and xoxos surely does the job)...

...when i feast on my favorite ice cream even if it is not so good for my health
(i love toffee, coffee crumble and choco hazelnut brownie!)...

...when i laugh out loud while watching feel-good movies even if others find it corny
(most especially Harry who is a patron of serious, historical, documentary films, ugh!)...

...when i feel secured of friends' tender loving care even if they are most of the time nowhere to be found
(calling on the super invisible Giorg)...

...when i munch on chinese food in a chinese restaurant even if i deny being a Chinese
(it is really just my family name that's chinese...the chinese-ness in the clan has been gone so long ago with my grandfather ;)...

...when i bond with the whole family even if it is short-lived
(we are just five and our house is not-so-big but circumstances just do not always allow constant togetherness, ouch!)...

...when i receive the fruit of my labor even if it can never be enough
(there's joy in being thankful with little things)...

...when i play with toddlers and succeeds at making them laugh and cry or at not giving into them even if they beg me to death
(haha! cruel! i love playing catch-me-if-you -can with them)...

...when i enjoy the sunshine even if i know that it will burn me badly
(especially so if it involves building a house for strangers, or giving relief goods to evacuees or running for a cause)...

...when i float facing a clear blue sky...when i hear mass and i cry...

...when i get a hug and a kiss...oh, such a moment of bliss!

As of now, i am still watching out for more happy-ness moments...i am hopeful but not so expectant...what could be more than the daily dose of rays of sunshine? :-)

For the mean time, please check out this link for some helpful happiness tips! Have fun!

PANULAT...

Kapag nag-isip kaya ako sa buong magdamag, papayat kaya ako? ang dami kasing laman ng isip ko, yung tipong mahirap makatulog nang mahimbing.. Hmm, masubukan nga.



May iniisip na nakaraan, meron ding panghinaharap. May binabalikang masaya, may iniiwasang pangit na alaala. Minsan, pati panaginip sumasagi pa din sa isipan. Ganun ba talaga? Siguro kung hindi ako tamad, at kung hindi ako nagpapadaig sa ADHD ko pagdating sa pagpokus sa sarili kong karera sa pagsusulat ay marami na tiyak akong naikuwento tungkol sa buhay ko at sa mga naiisip ko, kahit pa wala din naman makakabasa at makakarinig kundi ako. Marahil ay malalalim na din ngayon ang mga curves* sa utak ko. Ano nga ba ang tawag dun? Di ko na maalala. Ay, siguro hindi ganun kalalim kasi makakalimutin na ako eh. Pero sabi ng iba, ang galing ko daw magsaulo. May espesyal na turing pa nga sila sa memoryang yun - photographic memory. Hay, ewan. TskTskTsk! Matanda na talaga. Kung may pormula lang sana sa di pagtulog, malamang kinabisa ko na ang paglaban sa antok.

May naibahagi na akong kaisipan una dito. Subalit dahil sa mga pagbabagong nangyari ay hindi ko nai-save ito. Anaki's marami akong kaisipang nais isalaysay subalit hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon ay may kakayahan akong magbahagi. Nakakalungkot isipin na bibihira na nga lang dumating ang mga pagkakataong ganito, di ko pa rin mabigyang-pansin. Marahil, tamang may oras para sa lahat. Ngunit nananaig pa rin ang katotohanang di lahat ay may pantay-pantay na kakayahan, karapatan o dili kaya'y kapangyarihan.

Madami akong mga katanungan...pero di naman lahat ay nangangailangan ng kasagutan...tanong lang. Iyong mga tipong pwedeng pag-isipan habang may inaantay na kung ano man. Mga tanong na kagaya ng:

1. Tatangkad pa ba kaya ako?
2. May nagawa ba akong mabuti ngayon?
3. May nahawaan ba ako ng kapangyarihan?
4. at iba pa...

Parang ewan, minsan nakakaakit tuloy tumanda.
Para nakatingin ka na lang sa kawalan.
Para mag-isip-isip na lang.
Para magmasid na lang.
Para magbalik-tanaw na lang habang nag-aantay ng takdang panahon ng paglisan.
 Sana ganun na lang kadali...sana...

FULL COLOR

This is a bit personal...but oh well, it will help you know me a little better.. :P

People usually associate themselves with their favorites. Oftentimes, people are known for their favorite color. I am not an exemption. The following entry is taken from a volume of my heartblogs edition. The following are the colors of my life...

WHITE = first love Spiker's favorite color. True love Harry's first date wardrobe. Albert E.'s sole rose's type one midsummer's night. The color i am most comfortable in.

PINK = happiness. symbolizes the realization of a dream bound to be fulfilled in God's time. My lifetime partner has to look good in this. Richard's first dance attire.

YELLOW = jubilation. it and blue and gold spell out triumph after long years of determination. Charitian's theme color one happy August moment.

BLACK = adventure. being with nature far away from home always brings out something good. being away without minding time, finances and obligations or even for nursing a borken heart or a burned out mind surely does wonders to the soul. markers of my journey to dream worlds.

GREEN = hope or desire. bruised, battered, broken but bandaged and beaming. my heart never stops believing. just have to hang on...i know i will get there...

BLUE = friendship. my greatest treasure. true-blue friends like Luigi, TJ and KD are blessings i cannot live without.

BROWN = family. basically, and most importantly, this is what has constantly kept me going.

BYAHENG TREN

Noong una'y ayaw ko. Naniniwala kasi alam kong mapapagod lamang ako nang husto. Nasanay kasi akong pumapasok at umuuwi na parang hatid-sundo (wala akong sariling sasakyan-madali lang talaga ang transportasyon sa bandang amin noon). Ang pag-aalinlangan kong magbyaheng-tren ay sa dahilang batid kong bago pa man ako makasampa sa istasyon ay ilang hakbang muna ang gugugulin ko sa pagpila at pag-akyat sa napakataas na platform. Datapuwa't kung may ibang paraan lang ay hindi ko na nanaisin pang umakyat kahit man lang sa bukana ng istasyon...

Hay! Pero ang buhay ay buhay. Di lahat ng naisin ay nakakamtan. Di nga ba't sa kalaunan ay napilitan din akong magbiyaheng-tren, pangunahin at panghuling dahilan ang kawalan ng mapagpipilian. ...

Sa unang mga araw ng aking paglalakbay ay lalo ko lamang ikinasama ng loob ang aking kalagayan. Walang maganda sa tren -

sikisikan,

kadalasa'y walang mauupuan,

mainit at maingay.

Ngunit sadya nga atang kayang paghilumin ng panahon ang mga sugat. Eengg! Mabalik tayo sa usapan. Di kalauna'y natanggap ko rin na ito na yun. Sa LRT na nakasalalay ang aking pagparoo't pagparito. Sinubukan kong aliwin ang aking sarili. Sa halos araw-araw na paglalakbay, nagawa kong balewalain ang init, ingay at sikip. Ako'y nagmatyag, nakinig, naging mapanuri.

Sa tren:

*Nagpiyesta ako sa iba't ibang hitsura ng mga humihingang nilalang-nakakarelax pagmasdan ang iba-ibang ekspresyon, nakakabighani ang mga pagkakaibang tanging isang makapangyarihan lamang ang may kakayahang gumawa (at minsan, sadya man o hindi, nakakatuwa ring makinig sa mga mumunting kwento ng kanilang mga buhay);

*Nagpakamakata ako sa kakasulat^ ng mga kwentong kung anu-ano lang na pati ang sapatos na walang-malay ay di nakaligtas. (ang blog na ito ay isang produkto ng aking malikhaing pagsulat -pagbigyan na't libre naman ang mangarap;^ siyempre, hindi ako sa papel nagsulat hehe!);

*Natutunan kong literal na tumayo sa aking sariling mga paa-ang kabisahin ang pagbalanse sa LRT nang siksikan at walang maupuan. (ang salitang surfing ay nabigyan ng bagong makulay na kahulugan, ang surfing sa tren ay tumutukoy sa kakayahan ng tao na matulog habang nakatayo sa loob ng tren na gumigewang-gewang)

*Nakaugalian kong magdasal ng rosaryo. (isang napakamahalagang bahagi ng aking umaga ang pagkakamit ng katahimikan ng puso at isipan sa kabila ng mga pangamba at agam-agam na dala ng panibagong araw)

*Nagkaroon ako ng panahong pagbigyan ang mga gawaing naiiba sa nakakasawang pang-araw-araw na gawain. (nakapagbabasa ako ng mga nobelang kinahihiligan ko, naimumulat ko ang aking isipan sa mga malikhaing-panulat sa Espanyol -salamat sa Instituto Cervantes, napagmamasdan ko mula sa ibang anggulo ang mga lugar na karaniwa'y di tanaw ng karamihan, napapalawak ko ang abot ng aking kaalaman, at iba pa)

Kapagdaka'y napagtanto ko na nakakaaliw naman pala ang buhay sa parihabang mundong ito.

Masalimuot subalit may kaayusan (lahat ay sumusunod sa pila kahit pa gaano ito kahaba, walang nagtatangkang lumusot sa mga guards...)

Ang pagod ay may kaakibat na ginhawa (isipin mo na lang kung ano pa ang pwedeng mong magawa sa tren maliban sa mga naibahagi na...)

Ang wais at matiyaga ay may pabuya (ang byaheng-tren ay mas mabilis, at di hamak na mas komportable kumpara sa dyip - dito ang air ay conditioned at di ka pa mata-trapik! o sa'n ka pa?

Sabi nila, walang madali sa buhay...
Ang bawat gawain ay may kaukulang mahalagang aral...
Ang pagsuko'y kapalaluan, lalo na't hindi pa sinusubukan...

Kaya't sa'yo aking kaibigan, sana'y huwag kakalimutan...

...ang tren ay laging nandyan...sakay na't nang maraming matutunan! :)